GAY in the CITY

When Love Cries

2010-08-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

My heart cries

great pain within

slow suicide

life without friends

I've tried and tried

out-going guy

here reaching out

yet lost inside ...

To be myself

brought solitude

plus knowledge that

I'm one strong dude ...

Though strength alone

is not enough

man needs a drink

to wet his cup

The years move fast

seems no one cares

when my love cries

no one can hear ...

(c) 2010-2011 by JK

Reality Sucks!

2009-12-22T23:10:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I long to have someone waiting home for me ...someone who cares how my day went & who is there to make the night as good as he can. Oh, Yes! How I long to have someone to give all this immense love to, at least in part; how I ache for a partner in life to share everything with, to grow with ...

Sad is reality.

Hope

2009-12-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

The few people who know MOST of my story, and seem to believe it, ask me how I do it. How do I continually get up with the new day and go on? Hope is my only answer. I do believe that things can be better and that somewhere in the great scheme of things there may be a reason for all of this, that these years of WHATEVER THIS HAS BEEN will be worth it one day; that I will get to have good times again. I just hope this is so. I really want to be in love again and have a guy love me back. How can one so romantic be so long without romance? Why must life be so constantly cruel?

CRASH

2009-12-22T22:43:00.001-08:00

Been loving season two of Starz network's Crash series, loosely based on the brilliant Paul Haggis film. If you have not been watching, you REALLY have been missing out on something worth investing in. Things have been revamped from the first season, the cast, streamlined, thinned out. Marvelous Dennis Hopper has been joined by dazzling Eric Roberts, & lovely Peggy Lipton in a guest-starring turn. There's so much going on with this show, where does one begin to explain? Certainly, it is not as busy storyline wise as in the first year but the recurrent themes of racial tension in Los Angeles is still a main part of the series. Character growth from season one to what we are now seeing is quite impressive, organic even. It is always so hard when watching Crash to know where things are going to end up before the episode is over great television!

SAD

2009-12-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

The Winter blues are about to kick in too. Hate this time of year. What a long season for those of us who do not participate in snow sports.

Christmastime Is Here

2009-12-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

Looks like it will be another typical MON, Xmas for me. the best ones here were definitely when I was a kid. Mom's acting out, for lack of a better term, is ruining everything. What could be an OK, mostly uneventful holiday here turns each year more into a depressing time of sorrowful reflection.

2009-12-22T22:17:00.000-08:00

My mother is convinced that I am evil and so many other not too nice things. This is so extremely emotionally draining to have to deal with over and over again.

Changing

2009-12-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

Just finally took my 12 o'clock pill. It's 2am! back at Mom's, and she just went out to all night grocery store at midnight .... I took that opportunity to call m big bro in Ontario and let him know some of her recent antics, since it's basically impossible to talk to my hard-headed, one-note sister, who is now happily in Bliss-ville with her teen daughter, and new live-in boyfriend. My sense is that my sister is more about her daughter and herself, at the exclusion of her other family if need be in her eyes. Mom's creating havoc in my life and her very own. I cannot help, and rare is the person who gets it when I try to explain what I am dealing with when dealing with my disturbed mother. Either they cannot GET IT, or simply do not want to!

I am on very little sleep, having arrived here about 24 hrs ago exactly, trying to sleep between 9 and 10 am but interrupted over and over again by some incompetent contractor who had Mom convinced for the last few weeks that he was going to have her ages old living room carpet replaced with flooring. I am so NOT surprised that now the whole thing is off indefinitely. What kind of contractor calls back at 15 minute intervals about start dates? First it's tomorrow, then Christmas Eve ...AS IF ....!

Oh, so sad when you see someone changing so rapidly. Worse when they refuse to admit to the changes. Even worse still, when they insist that it is YOU who is changing and not them. As if change has to ALWAYS be a BAD thing ...!!!

A Good Thing

2009-12-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

I am so full of stress as I type this. So much crap with Mom has been going on. So many years of a messed up life that I just do not seem to have the skills to fix. Years of well-intentioned people saying 'I wish I could help, but ...' Sad. Beyond sad?

A good thing that has happened this year is that I discovered Twitter. I had been using Myspace, and then finally, Facebook. Though, it's Twitter where I have been spending most of my online time. Facebook runs a close-second, but it is Twitter where I have followed many and now have even more following me. I have found more than just a community there; I have found a few new friends. What is better still, is that I have found an outlet for charitable work. By Tweeting and re-Tweeting information about charitable causes and organizations, along with my regular varied Tweets, I am able to do a little something, my part (?) in helping spread the word and make a difference in the world. It feels good, and my climb at Twitter in terms of meeting people and my number of followers too, has been swift. Amazing. It's only been maybe half a year but I find inter-acting with others, that has been my strong suit, when I am placed in the proper arena to do so; the interacting is what stimulates discussion and creates reputation. I have been blessed with Twitter. Lots of kind words and praises there. My world is a little less empty now. That IS a good thing!

GET IT BY ME

2009-12-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a long time! Something good to report? No such luck, I'm afraid. Well, good as in, I'm still alive. That's always good. Otherwise, no thrilling rescue or miraculous Heavenly intervention has swept down & pulled me from the great despair that this life of mine has been these past several years. No, nothing has changed the incredibly taxing, toxic relationship I have with my Neurotic Negative mom. She has grown worse, if anything. The visits here have become longer (!!!) & then the stays back home, longer until the depressing reality of my home situation kicks in.

At home, same apartment in the same basement. Probably different neighbors in the upstairs flats, though one family has lived at the top of the house now for at least a year - one annoying year of barking and shit outside my living room window from a dog they are not even supposed to have, in accordance to the standards set by the the landlord/property manager. Apparently, the property manager, whom I simply cannot stand, as our personalities just clash (rather: I have a personality & he strives to) needs to have evidence of the existence of said pet! Thing is, I believe the noisy family occupying the apartment just above mine, they also have a dog, and a cat too! Long as he can get it by Justin without a major complaint, things are just find Mr. Jerk Property Manager probably thinks.

"I Have No Money ....!"

2009-05-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

Better blog a little bit. Lots been going on. Mostly, my world has been all-a-Twitter, and this is good. Social networking is better than alone anyday. What am I doing right now? Thinking about my escape plan - still. Only difference is, If I can trust one or two of these new people I have met online via social networking sites, I am finally closer to the goal of returning to a life of love, friends, possible romance and maybe even $$$ and working in a creative career I was born for. Yes, this has been an interesting few months on the net. Yet it is still the day-to-day struggle of living without friends in the city I cannot stand, and then the running out of money or food or whatever and or just the loneliness and the phone calls that lead me back to mother's home in the country.

Stayed away a month or longer the last time, but the newest tenants/neighbors in the apartment atop mine in the house in the city, well, they are stompers like the crackheads and the people who lived there before them! Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Plus they have an 8- yr old son and an older man (parent?) living with them, in the master-bedroom that is in the basement on the other side of my kitchen. I have seen the lady once, and the older man, once, on the front porch. He wore an eye-patch over the right eye, I think. Kinda pirate creepy. Though I have nothing against the elderly or sick. that's for sure.

I have so long been needing local friends and a job here. It has been (I hate to count because it is unbelievable!) maybe ten years or so since I had so many thing: what most would call a normal life. My heart cries.

Soulful Yet Single

2008-10-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

This has been a most trying few months. To say the least! Sitting here at the public library as I write this, I have just had a tooth extracted, finally, with one more to come asap, when the dentist can schedule me. So far no AFTERPAIN, but the pre-extraction pain has been immense; quite acute. There has been so much "foolish" stuff going on around me, mom's family's "Family Reunion", held in the yard where she lives, in August. Relatives visiting from out of town and from the States for it, and though I enjoyed seeing my Aunt and finally meeting one of my cousins who had grown-up during my Toronto span, I definitely did NOT go to the weekend reunion. I mad-dashed it home to my apartment, thank-you-very much. Who needs the added stress in life?

Another day, networking online more, but still no "Angel" willing to help me out with lodgings on the Toronto side, so here, I remain, soulful, single, and in MON, NS!

Lowdown

2008-07-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

Not as insanely hot here today as it has been, nor did it rain like yesterday and the earlier part of the week, on and off. But mother’s brew is back on; her brand of manic trouble-making which she may or may not be able to control. I slept a bit longer than usual and am somewhat groggy feeling today; even got beat at an online word finder game I have gotten rather expert at. Think it’s the extra sleep, sedatives that threw off my game today.

Mom’s been on the phone with Cissy at least twice today and other people, most of the day. I’ve been invited up the street to Millie’s where her younger half-brother Randy will be staying for a few days. The request/invite came from him, according to Millie, but I’m not really in the mood for that tonight. Though a drink or three might make feel better. I just feel pressures from all sides today. Mom wants me out, so she can get on the pc and play a game all night, into the am, as she tends to do when given the opportunity, and I am FEELING her disrespect.

“Thank you for going up the street so that I can get on the ‘puter …” she actually said five minutes after Millie’s call, which Mom had answered, getting TMI apparently. I quickly told her that it wasn’t a sure thing that I was going. But there is a general bad vibe I’m getting today. After feting mom on her birthday and entering and sending off her Avon order the next night, and every prior order but one … Where is the love? I soooo wish I didn’t have to be her in MON. Mom seems more wrapped up with concerns for my sister. Maybe because of my years away … I do not know for sure the WHY of it, but I do know that I do NOT like how it makes me feel.

Sick & Tired

2008-07-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

It is Sunday again ...
It is a very hot day - at least inside Mom's home. Watching an E! True Hollywood Story on Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. I awoke with a sick stomach, after having had some green tea with ginseng before bed ...

Mom just did another load of laundry. Don't think she's finished yet.

It was a rough week, though good, with cousin Tyler, wife and kids in town for five days until Friday past. But that meant a lot of drinking booze for me; which it would seem my body is not used to anymore ...

Never even went up to cousin Millie's Friday or Saturday nights, as has become the routine in recent weeks. Left her a message late last night to which she replied that she was at least JUST AS tired also ... and was reading (probably drinking also ...).

"Let's All Live and Give Together"

2008-03-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

The Maritime provinces of Canada = a very hard place to be gay. "Ass-backwards" a lot of people have been known to say. Slower in advancements than the rest of the country, and particularly behind central Canada (Montreal. Toronto). All the crap one needs to put up with when just trying to get on with life, is very frustrating ... all just because of being homosexual. And if being gay were a choice, I sure would not have chosen it! So much pain and heartache are attached. But here I am, gay and in one of the Atlantic provinces, just trying to survive, cope ...

Hating gay people and people who are different in some way is just stupid, anyway. A big waste of time and energy. There was just a really good episode of FX Network's "Nip/Tuck" exploring the issue of homophobia - ironically, with Rosie O'Donnell (an OUT and MARRIED lesbian) this time cast as the HATER! I must say she is underrated as an actress, getting more attention for being outspoken and opinionated.

2008-02-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

My Mother ... My mother ... My Mom ... My mom ... She is making me mad, like she is. Mad as in CRAZY, her favourite word to use as a put down to me and her other kids. Oh great! Now she just compared me to my younger half-brother, taking it to a new all-time low. It is so hard to concentrate with her about. It's why I do not get to blog much, and such.

2008-02-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

Hmmmmmm ...

So stressed out over my life, I don't know WHERE to begin in explaining ....

Wow! Almost a year later, and my dental problem has not only NOT been resolved, but I may NOW have a re-infection. Plus, I have tried unsuccessfully to seek some financial help to save my mouth and my brain, as the headaches and occasional tooth pain could become a big disaster at any minute.

April Fool

2007-04-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is late April and well, I feel like SHIT!

Why?

So much happening, and

NOTHING at the same time. Presently, I have a dental emergency and require a tooth extraction or root canal. I'd prefer the rc but don't have the $600-$700 that proceedure would cost. On the other hand(/tooth?!), I'm not keen on the much more "affordable" tooth extraction (under $200) because I still have plans to act in front of the camera and on stage and well, the upper right middle tooth that is absessing (and the reason why i'm currently taking antibiotics that are fucking around with my system) is "just at the borderline" of my smile-line, according to my dental professional! Will it or won't it present a big GAP with the tooth missing? That's simply what I want to know but haven't gotten a straight answer about.

2006-12-19T15:55:00.000-08:00

Seasons Greetings & More ...

2006-12-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

"Imagination and fiction make up more than three quarters of our real life."

Simone Weil

Loss.

It has been alot about loss these past few months, and so I don't have much time online today but I am still going, somehow, I'm keeping on ... and I have much love to give, and I offer it out now, to whomever reads these pages. Please pray that I shall have a better NOW and a more happy NEAR FUTURE ...!

Cheers to Everyone!

God Bless!

Sick Sunday

2006-08-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

Took my midnight antidepressant and 12:22am. Need to take the other in the am, equaling 2 a day, as per doctor's orders.

Just finished eating the liver mom gave me, since I do not have much other food. Did not make it to the grocery store today! Not much of a surprise. Never slept until way past the start of the new day.

I have been back "home" for two days now and it feels really uneasy. Every little sound startles me. I anticipate more crashing/smashing after the window was kicked in. Well, it may be only a matter of time. Especially if it was done by one of the former teens I was close with two years ago. And it's crazy doing anything in the kitchen because it the crime was repeated while I was standing or sitting there, I would be in big trouble, could get really hurt. What might happen to me could be very serious. This feels all wrong ...

I was somewhat sick today, though I don't know what with/from. I had been suffering from some serious gas at mom's the last couple of days and I guess that turned into the sick feeling that kept me sleeping most of the day today. That and the other mystery illness that makes it hard for me to wake up from sleep, or rather, get up from half-asleep-half-awake state.

Lighting incense to get the liver smell out of the kitchen and running a bubble bath. I will probably not make it to the bathtub until tomorrow - or later.

Watching She's The One on television. (The cable is still on!!!! For now.)

Living Legacy (What I Want!)

2006-08-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

I want to feel the joy of life again. Has it ever been a long time to feel that natural sense of joy.

I want to hear my voice on a CD; act and see my work on film and on televison, and for it all to be good work, something worthy of leaving as a legacy. Too, it would be nice to see my words on the printed page, and take anothr bow on the stage. Falling in love again and being loved back by someone ...Yes, that is a delightful thing I want for myself. Health. Feeling good, not feeling tired ...ahhhhh, feeling good about LIFE. Yes, this is what I want!

GAY in the CITY

2006-08-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

GAY in the CITY

gay in the city
keep it to myself
love to have someone
but i dare not tell ...

tricked to confession
by the troubled teens
who said it didn't matter
but that's not how it seems

gay, getting older and in need of love
straying from the fold, it seems my only "out"

gay in the city and the country too
GAY ... but not HAPPY
'cuz i'm always BLUE

Sometimes ...

2006-08-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we feel hopeful ...
other times it seems we are doomed
sometimes i'm truly doubtful
will i get the chance to ever "sing my tune" ...

Things are changing again .... and seemingly not for the better. Surprised? Well, I have no Internet at home and am on a "plan" to keep my phone on and the plans I had to return to Toronto seem to have all but fallen through completely in recent weeks. I mean, the dude who is supposed to house me, well he was supposed to call me when I warned that the net might be cut off soon, and though we have spoken online when I've been on outside pcs, he has yet to call. That was a couple of weeks ago. I have been online all week while here at my mother's and, well, we haven't connected online, this guy who was going to help me get back into Ontario ... Elsewhere, my "only friend" in MON, NS just moved back to Ontario herself. Though she talks about helping me get back in, she has lied so much in the past it is hard to trust that she will be the help I need.

Things at the apartment have gotten worse after my window was smashed in. Other than not feeling secure there, the problem with my upstairs neighbour has escalated. She's been banging on my ceiling about music noise and I have, in return, banged back; my landlord calls then with the neighbour's official complaint and I tell him basically to tell her to "Fuck off!" since I'm hardly ever there any given month and well, when I am the bitch's sons are ALWAYS running 'round the floor ... The fucking NERVE!

I have looked at another place, at the top floor of a complex that my old landlord owns, but I really am not thinking to move laterally, but to move to Toronto or elsewhere out of Nova Scotia!

And this past week, it seems my new dosage of antidepressants are making me "funny". I do not feel quite right. (Then again, when have I last?) But something is off!

...And Another

2006-08-15T00:53:00.000-07:00

It is 5am. I should be sleeping.

Monday was better than most Mondays of late.

Daytime Drama

2006-08-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

It is now Monday. Aunt Cloris and her friend, Bette are in town, staying two houses up and my godmother/cousin Nora's. They got in just around noon today, on schedule, visiting from the Southern states. Aunt Cloris called Mom shortly after arriving at Nora's, and Mom sort of lost it, when asked if she was going on the planned trip to Prince Edward Island for next week. Mom is having a real rough time of it with money in recent months and she told her sister she did not really have the funds. Nora had hinted that she MIGHT be able to pay Mom's way but never really got back to her on it. Aunt Cloris, however, confirmed that Nora WAS going to pay my mother's way and this lead to Mom venting too much perhaps to her sister about how Nora has been less than there for her, in Mom's opinion, recently; how she has the vacuum more than Mom herself does (TRUE) and how she has not been heedful of Mom's desperate request for a loan. Mom obviously has alot on her mind and well, I cannot imagine Auntie Cloris' reaction to all of this infromation-overload on the other end of the line, but when Mom called Nora maybe 30 minutes later to get the dates for P.E.I. Nora was quite confrontational from what I could gather. She and Mom got into a long push and pull phone conversation about what Nora has done and does not do for Mom. "I help you more than your own children," Nora said, according to Mom, which has really pissed me off. Help, in this lovely family situation = $$$$. And well ... my older brother, sister, and I are not in a financial situation to be able to assist my mom, as she herself reminded me in her derogatory manner. Which of course made me feel terrible, considering she had just accused me of not doing anything with my life when comparing me with my half-brother whom is a member of her church and an usher, and to Roland, whom was written up in the new church bulletin regarding his recent promotion in the legal field in Toronto. It has been a tense afternoon. Mom set me off; Aunt Cloris must have told Nora what Mom had said about her lax support, setting Nora off, and the both of them, Mom and Nora set me off to feeling pretty sad about the whole state of affairs. What family dysfuntion!

The Cult Of Cash
Some of the things Nora said to Mom reminded me of Nora's younger brother, Roland and his general attitude, or what I can only imagine his attitude must be from thigns he has said, done, or not done. I am not a complete idiot. I know having money comes with a big burden - especially where pertaining to family. Nora implies that Mom might not be trying to help herself. I do not find that aspect of it neither here or there. Not really. I see Nora something like "Terri", the older sister with money in Soul Food, the movie and series. Someone tired of having to be the one to bail everybody out. I imagine Roland has similar feelings, though our issues have never really been about money. Just the fact that they have money and the lifestyle that goes with it ... well, sometimes I think they lose touch with what is really important. I have had money, it is not necessary to forget that other people might be without it and in desperate need, though it is not a personal responsiblity to help anyone, it is my belief that it is a human responsibility to do so where one can.

What Will Be ...

2006-08-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have started back on antidepressants again. 17 days ago, to be exact. This is my second day on two pills a day. I don't remember the dosage off hand. Regardless, here I am, at Mom's, it's Monday now. I don't want to go home but I don't want to be here. Auntie Victoria will be here tomorrow with her best female friend, and mom is already starting to act "different". Well, it is obvious most of the time, without her yuonger sister being in town that Mom is ashamed of us, her kids, or at least of me. Tonight, however, I overheard her on the phone talking to someone, bragging up Victoria's family, their education etc. and her tone was full of sorrow, and kind of pitiful when saying: "I wish I had sent my kids to college ..." and the like. She has been remote, the little she has been home today, with two seperate church functions and two seperate churches, but she has been somewhat hostile with me since that recent phone call. I am really not in the mood. Oh, how I wish we had a better relationship. And I wish she could communicate better. It doesn't seem like she tries.

Oh, how I am not looking forward to Auntie's visit. Most of Mom's family seem to believe her idea of me and with that comes well-meaning, but WAY-OFF lectures and questioning sessions .... assumptions that are just WRONG.

Trapped

2006-08-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

"Two doors down they're laughing and drinking and having a party ..."
DOLLY PARTON

Everything is about to change for me yet again. Do I mean in the POSITIVE? Well, time will tell on that score. The recent breaking in of one of my two kitchen windows should perhaps be enough incentive for me to get the hell out of Dodge, yet here I remain - at least for the moment - having yet to give my notice to my landlord. Even though it seems I finally have a "sponsor" on the Toronto end. There are a few things that have me hesitating. Are they legitimate concerns?

1. Should I put my trust in this virtual stranger who seems to be eager to help me return to Toronto more than any family or so-called friend has been?

2. My health may not be diagnosed as something terrible like I may have guessed-up but it still isn't great, and I am not moving as fast as I did say 6 months ago and my focus is way off ... (Should I fake it and take the chance?)

3. I don't want to go to Toronto and have things not work out in this situation and have to return to NS again, a greater "FAILURE" than before.

Mom has gone down to Uncle Cyrus' 70something Birthday bash and the shame is on me for not going. I feel really down today and I know not going to this thing is gonna make things even worse for me. My ears are burning now. Plus Mom will come back with endless stories and I will feel even further isolated.

Will someone come up to try and get me to come? One of my former Toronto friend/cousins? Will the ride Mom gets back home be a cousin who'll insist on coming in whom I don't want to see? Probably!

Mom's baby sister Aunt Cloris will be visiting from the States for at least three weeks come Monday. She and her female friend. Thankfully, my uhmmm nasty-tempered uncle is not making the trip this time. But between the drama I have at the apartment in town and the bad blood and the misconceptions my mother's family have of me out here, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't want to say it - but "Doomed" is a word that comes to mind. Especially if the violence at my apartment was not random at all and just part of plans of the hateful/destructive teens.

Shattered Glass

2006-08-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

It is Monday again. Sunday was rough for the most part, but turned out nice and mellow.

But perhaps I should begin with Saturday. That was when someone decided to jump the yard fence and kick in my main kitchen window ... shattered glass was everywhere and the sound of it smashing .... Well ...!!!! What a fucking loud noise!!!! What a BAD BAD experience ...

Landlord was home upstairs and says he saw the culprits, teens, I think, running away after jumping the fence and kicking in my "sense of security", thin as that was! He called the cops and ...let me just say: you kno you're gay when - you are suddenly fixated on how hot the young babyface cop is in a time of crisis and chaos! :-)

PERHAPS MORE ON THIS LATER ...

My two girlfriends from out west were in town this week; one remains. I saw the younger of the two last night, Chrissy. She came and met me with her older sister Karen, and took me down to her mom's, just down the street abit, where we all sat outside and visited ...Believe me when I say, it was a nice change for me. To be out and around people, people who were actually talking to me and the interplay of that. We smoked a j, Chrissy, myself and a black girl whom I was supposed to have met at the gas station like a year or two ago, but whatever ... The stuff seemed powerful. I remember coughing but might just be out of practice. I seemed to really connect with Karen and also with her friend Dottie. Karen got a chair for me from the other yard when we were running out of places to sit and we just had good coverstaion. Dottie too. Karen made a point of giving me her phone number so we can stay in contact even after Chrissy went back to Alberta today.

Chrissy has really come into her own now, at 2o. I am so proud of her, and she is presently a blonde! Which is different but she has a glow about her and is more of a young lady - even going as far as to walking me most of the way home, plus giving me something of my own to smoke when i got back in ...(I had to navigate getting it together myself, however - for the very first time!!!! "Twas interesting.)

6 Years of Solitude

2006-07-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS

Hmmmmmmmm?

I am wondering if I have been clear:

I have been back in NS for 6 yrs (that rhymes), arriving fter my beloved grandmother passed. Firstly, I stayed with my mother in her city apartment but when she moved to her family homestead in the country following her dad's death a year after her mom's, I stayed for 1 month but had to get a way. Living with my neurotic mom was hard enough but living on the street surrounded by her siblings' homes was just unbearable. So I found my own basement apartment in the city. Where I remain.

Since I have been unable to make friends in the 6 years I have tried and because the isolation and alienation gets so unbearable, I come to Mom's for a few weeks at a time, usually 'til her putdowns and thoroughly negative attitude about me and whom she thinks I am take their toll.

Then it's back to my dusty, depressing basement apartment for a week or two, or more, where the isolation starts to get to me BIG TIME ...

Purpose ...

2006-07-28T00:51:00.000-07:00

The very purpose of our life is happiness, the very motion of our lives is towards happiness.

~ the Dalai Lama

Happiness? Hmmmmm?
Hahahahahaha

Oh, how I miss happiness.

It is as though it were snatched away from me. It still feels like punishment. When will there be something good that is long lasting? Is all of that in the past now for me?

That's it? All there is to that? No more? All used up ...?
What the fuck is this SHIT?!!!!

LIFE ... OMF! I just do not get how all this pain is supposed to possibly have some sort of point.

GBM 40 Sks Shared Accomodations in Toronto ASAP!

2006-07-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

NS Male (40) returning to Toronto ASAP looking for gay-positive roomate
with shared accomodations.

Another Nail For My Heart

2006-07-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

My mother's cousin Roland just visited here with his wife. (I've never met her.) Haven't seen him in like ten years maybe. He lives in Toronto and is visiting this week. His visit was impromptu, as is the way the black community around here in NS conduct most of their visits - always like a surprise attack for some reason. I was just starting my first cup of coffee for the day when a mysterious blue car drove into Mom's yard. I informed her of this and went back to the computer.

Roland has a quite distinctive loud voice. So, from the living room, I could assess that the visit must be from him and NOT one of Mom's brothers who have crops in the large yard. Talk about feeling TRAPPED ... I was planning on having a shower and brushing my teeth, but the way this old house is made, if you're in the living room you are stuck/trapped/caught there ... especially if you have a mother who doesn't respect you enough to give you a "heads-up" before letting in her guests. Mom has been like this for years, but for awhile had seemed to be more thoughful on the the issue. So, anyway, here I was, trapped in the fucking lvingroom, at the computer, not looking my best, but waiting for an opening to greet Roland and his wife. But when my name FINALLY came up, thirdly, after Roland asked about my sister, and brother (who also lives in the Toronto area), Mom muttered something brief. I expected Roland to peek in the room from around the corner. Or to be called out to the kitchen where they all were, but that did not quite happen. So I listened for a break in the conversatiion, more or less waiting ... getting ready to maybe make my appearance.

It never happened. They stayed for twenty minutes perhaps and left without me seeing them. I feel pretty insignifcant in these situations.

I used to be someone that people seemed to care about. I have always been someone who was wise enough to know that things are not always as they seem. But we all are seceptible to traps and falling into them, aren't we? Well, just how the hell do you get yourself out of a trap that seemed to be years in the making? I feel sooooooo STUCK here. So living an abnormal life that seems hopeless. I feel incredibly hopeless this week, particulalry today and yesterday.

Being around my mom felt more of a better thing for me than something that was bad, but now I am not so sure. Is it good to be around someone who has multiple illnesses and is severly depressed but mostly in denial about it - especially when you have been mysteriously ill yourself in recent months and have suffered from acute depression for years? Is it good to be around a mother who thinks very low of you, puts you down to your face, or excludes mention of you when talking with her friends? My mom is ashamed of me, yet it feels better being around SOMEONE as opposed to being left all alone to my depression in my depressing, dusty basement apartment.

Too Close For Comfort

2006-07-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

It's another rainy Monday, plus I am at Mom's, and it is her birthday, but she has been extremely depressed the past few days. It's rubbing off and I do not know why she asks me out here to either ignore, or berate me. She is not at all excited about this birthday. She keeps mumbling about her all-cosnsuming money problems and negating about her life in general. This has become a little too much. I am about to explode soon, it feels.

FLASHBACK:

Tuesday, May 21st, 2002

Connie Hyland has reapared in my life thanks to cousin Rena, who gave her my number without my permision. Of course she hs been calling me like crazy ever since, and as it turns out Connie lives only just two streets over and immediately below James Street on Grover Lake. Though at first I tried to ignore Connie's endless calls, we finally got together about three weeks after getting re-connected. I went to her place, where we played cards,smoked a J and talked over old times. I have been there over three times total now - playing cards, listening to music, smoking, getting out of her cat's way.

Connie has this bogus thing she does - suggesting I am THE LOVE OF HER LIFE.

50 Advantages to Being a Gay Man!!!

2006-07-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

Here we go!

Check this out. Change of pace. I did NOT write these though for most, I wish I had. LOL

50 Advantages to Being a Gay Man!!!

1. you wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates
2. you understand the subtle differences of at least 20 brands of Vodka
3. you understand the extreme importance of good (or bad ) lighting
4. you can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away
5. you can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit
6. you can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth with out embarrassing her
7. no one expects you to kiss and not tell
8. you can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home
9. you can have naked pictures of men you do know in your home
10. you can have naked pictures of men you don't know on your computer
11. unlike your women friends, you can hang out in the men's locker room
12. you understand why the good lord invented spandex
13. you understand why the good lord didn't intend everyone to wear spandex
14. you know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe o lait and a macchiato, and if you don't you know how to fake it
15. you know how to get back at just about everyone
16. your pets always have great names
17. nobody expects you to change a tire
18. your the only guy that gets to do the "cosmo" quizzes
19. you know how to get a waiters attention
20. you only wear polyester when you mean to
21. at any given instance, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history
22. you are, hands down, your nieces and nephews favorite uncle
23. you get to choose your family
24. you can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink
25. you can smile to let someone know you can't stand them
26. you wouldn't be caught dead in hooters
27. you can freeze and approaching bar troll twenty feet away
28. you're good pals with women other people can't stand
29. you've always got and opinion, and you don't mind sharing it
30. you've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical
31. you know how to "air kiss"
32. you know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having, and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you have been for two weeks
33. you know how to dress strategically
34. you know when to move out and move on
35. your the only one at the class reunion, who looks better than you did in high school
36. you've got at least one framed picture of a pet
37. you know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily and insult
38. you wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday
39. you know which wine to bring
40. sale's clerks don't mess with you
41. you have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion
42. you never hold a grudge for longer than a decade
43. you've just about defeated the accent you were born with
44. you know the way to a mans heart is not necessarily through his stomach
45. you choose the most fabulous greeting cards
46. you know every film ever made with male frontal nudity
47. you've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level
48. you've got the latest international male catalog
49. you wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest international male catalog
50. you can be bitchy with out anyone blaming it on biology

Another World

2006-07-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

"This is our purpose: To make as meaningful as possible this life that has been bestowed upon us, ... to live in uch a way that we may be proud of oursleves, to act in such a way that some part of us lives on."
~ OSWALD SPENGLER, GERMAN PHILOSOPHER

It has been raining all day which now means I have been in pain all day. I slept alot yesterday, and dreamed. Strange dreams. Alot about my cousin Roberts and her now young adult son whom I took care of for a few years when he was an infant. I lived with then on at least two ocassions in Toronto's west end, but have not really been in contact with them, except for a couple of emails and maybe two chat sessions on msn messenger. Don't really know why they were in my dreams - but that's dreams for ya.

~ FLASHBACK ~ Thursday, June 10, 2004

Have an appointment today at 3pm which I am apparently going to be late for. From the looks of it I may be as much as a whole half-hour late - and this, for the second time. I am not amused, but what can I do about it now? Leaving home at about 2:30, I walked the entire way to th bus terminal, hoping to burn some calories. Halfway there I realize that I forgot to eat something. It is a very warm day and I am wearing my nylon "Star Trek-Bridge" top aswell as my summer jacket, starting to sweat a little. (Being fat is defintely a problem.)

It is such a lovely day. Summer seems to have arrived finally.

Okay. I was twenty minutes late for my doctor's appointment, when all was said and done. I'm told Three More Minutes and he would have been gone ...!

We covered alot of conversational ground today: My lack of a social life. Suggestions on how to rectify the problem ...

I am on the bus in Halifax on Barrington Street, on-route to The Other City. (Thought I might have seen Danny walking though he's already supposed to be vacationing in Germany.)

No man is an Island.
No man is an Island.

How do I rectify this GREAT LONLINESS issue?

9:30pm. I am on the lonely bus home and there is an obviously gay brunnette guy sitting across from me of the type I would not ever consider in my Toronto days. He is probably too young, anyway. They all seem to be these days.

"Alot of seeing is really hearing, and feeling." ~ Stevie Wonder to Oprah Winfrey, 2004

FINDING MY WAY BACK

GOTTA BE STRONG
HAVE TO PUT BACK ALL THE PIECES
FIT THEM WHERE THEY BELONG ...

GOTTA HOLD TIGHT
AND REMEMBER IT GETS BETTER ...
DAWN COMES AFTER THE NIGHT

FINDING MY WAY

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Random Notes:

~ Compile a book of Everything I've Learned
~ Write myself a screenplay with a big showcase role for Self. Showcase my Artistic Strengths!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

"One's own thought is one's world. What a person thinks is what he becomes - that is the eternal mystery. If the minds dwells wihin the supreme Self, One enjoys undying happiness ..."
~ THE UPANISHADS

Day at the library. Rather nice. Got a little bit accomplished. It is 8:57pm and I am aboard the bus on-route to home. (Thankfully.) I am hungry, tired, and a whole lot frustrated. Why? No comupter of my own after all this time!! My own fault, for true. Bu how long is it that we must pay for our past transgressions?

SONG DRAFT
LAST NIGHT I LOOKED IN MY MIRROR
THERE WAS A STRANGER STARING BACK AT ME ...
WITH THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE NOWHERE NEARER
HAD I LOST THE MAN I USED TO BE?

SOMEHOW TIME WAS CLOSING IN
LIKE A HUNTER
BUT I WASN'T READY FOR THE KILL

FAULTY MOVES, BIG MISTAKES, CRAZY BLUNDERS
NO, MY LIFE WAS NEVER RUN-OF-THE-MILL

bridge
WHEN HAD THINGS GONE WRONG
WERE THEY TOO FAR GONE
STILL A CHANCE FOR ME TO RECTIFY?

Friday, June 18, 2004

I have fallen way short of my dreams. Meaning? My life, so very far from the place I had envisioned in my mind's-eye for so long, I do not quite know just what it is that it will take to get things back in the right direction. I do not fit in anywhere here in Nova Scotia but nobody seems to get this but me, and maybe Dr. Howard, the good first shrink I had here. So, as much as I might attempt to overcome the obstacles and make my own way, it ends up feeling like I am single-handedly fighting a losing battle.

3:08pm. Just now arrived for a 3:00 appointment with Dr. Nott. I was quite worried about being late again but take comfort when I see the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign is up on the good doctor's door. Dr. Nott is running late with another patient for whatever reason. This means I have time to at least attempt to regroup.

Feeling fat again today. Well, I am fat now! I cannot believe it. I did not think that I was especially vain but the physical transformation I have seen from tall, skinny young man ... to ... to ...this ... whatever this look is, and all about! It is a very difficult adjustment. I truly do not like looking the way I do. I hate being FAT. It contributes to me being even more of an outcast ... It's not that I haven't tried to lose weight. Being fat is still relatively new for this former lanky kid. Finding the right diet and excercise combo to shed the unwanted ends up being a series of experiments until the proper does for body chemistry is determined. Still I must lose this extra weight! I am at the heaviest I have ever been and must not get any fatter! Cannot imagine anybody finding me desirable at this size. In a way it is sort of embarrasing to be seen looking the way I look now. Sometimes, back when I was then I used to feel desirable, but now ...?!

3:34pm. Other patient leaves. Waiting to be called in by Dr. Nott.

Informed by Dr. Nott that my appointment today was for 2:00pm NOT 3:00pm ...!!!

4:18pm. Will I ever be thin again?

This is a hard one. Instinctively, I suspect that I may never. Optimism however, is my choice. It is my hope that I find a diet/excercise routine that will help me go down to my desired weight ... 25 lbs lighter? (How much weight, realistically, is it possible for me to lose before my thirty-eighth birthday this next Thursday without starving myself to death?!)

"...I wanna tell you baby ...the changes I been going through ..."

I WONDER WHY

SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY
THE SEASONS HAVE TO CHANGE
AND WHY LIFE BRINGS SO MUCH PAIN
SOMETIMES I WONDER ...

SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW
THE BIRDS FLY IN THE SKY
HOW SAD SONGS MAKE ME CRY
SOMETIMES I WONDER ...

Through The Test Of Time(?)

2006-07-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

I am REALLY tired now ...and I should be finally going back home to my depressing basement apartment today, after two weeks or so at Mom's. I have not even paid my rent yet!

First things, first though ...

Seems I have neglected to mention my visit to the doctor a few Fridays ago, where I went to see him about acid-reflux and anxiety, but also got back speedy test results from the blood tests taken only a couple days earlier (two seperate days)...

The tests came back NEGATIVE ...

Which is wonderful in the one sense, but of course now, I still do not know what is wrong with me. I am not even clear on if it is one thing or a series of Hey, Welcome to You're 40th Year things that kicked in concurrently.

Unfortunately, as i write this I am having a very NEGATIVE experience with my mother - again ...It's like she decides to go off when she knows I'm about to go home, even though she doesn't WANT to be out here alone!

So yeah, I lost it ...

My Mom has possible mental issues ...

Dementia?

She went on a tirade about many things ...randomly

The usual things.
and I"m simply NOT having it ...
I'm in physical pain here ..
I'm gathering my stuff and leaving though I haven't slept yet ...

Sometimes she acts sooooo much like a fucking BITCH!

I told her this, then she accused me of calling her a bitch ... It's not the firs time for this routine. It truly hurts going through this emotional see/saw ride wth my mother ... To have to type those words, it hurts even more ...

Sad but fucking true ...

My Mom seems to have taken a particular view of me way back, maybe even in my pre-teen years, and with her, old concepts are the ONLY concepts. They reamain as her truth. Thing is, often the way my mother sees things are not necessarily the way the ever were, way back whenever!

4 Un-true Negative Things My Mother Believes About Me

1. I am lazy
2. I am dirty, as in non-hygenic
3. I am crazy (this could be true!)
4. I am straight, and perhaps even the true 40 Year Old Virgin

Likely, with more to come later .... Believe me, there are many more notions that mom has about me, and my older brother and sister. But I really believe that I am the one she thinks the lowest of. So, along with here love comes the seemingly endless negative comments. My brother, the eldest, is mostly immune, as he lives in Toronto. My sister (whom for years lived only two doors down from mom in her apartment building before mom moved to her family homestead after her father's death) seems to be able to just "tune her out". She and my white sister (my bro's long ago ex-) recommend this to me all the time. But I have not been able to perfect it. I do not think it is in my nature. So it has not been easy to get there. I have to put up with the put downs ...

Anyway, most of Mom's beliefs about me stem from my childhood ... some incident or a series of them, I gather, that was/were less than stellar on my part. Now, I have gone away, lived in Toronto for many years, and I recall not being able to get out of town fast enough as an eighteen year old, away from my negative Mother's put-downs. (Have they gotten worse though?)

The City Of Dreams
While living in Toronto, but visiting, or here for longer stints between residing back in the Big City, I remember how I seem to be a different person when again in Nova Scotia. Mind you, not the horrible person my mother says I am but certainly a less proactive person than the one who at times thrived in The City Of Dreams ....

Now, sadly, it seems to be more about NIGHTMARES in my present life here in Nova Scotia.

Lie With Me

2006-07-08T03:38:00.000-07:00

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

Lucille Ball

Okay.

Just saw the Toronto-made film Lie With Me for the first and 2nd times between last night and this morning. OMF! Sexually graphic like never before in a "non-porn industry" North American production ... Eric Balfour!!!! I have been following this young talented dude's career but now ...WOW! There's nothing left for the imagination on the very physical end of things ... and I am not exactly complaining. Just more shocked! Yes, maybe SHOCKED by how he has exposed himself in this film is the best way to describe it! In a movie about a sexually promiscuous young woman, both the female and male leads are ALL OVER THE PLACE in sex scene after sex scene ... But there is a story. Honest, there is ... But that story ... is ALL ABOUT SEX!

LOL

Why There Should Not Be Gay Marriages

2006-07-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were
allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8 ) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Someone To Watch Over Me

2006-07-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

Okay. I am really havinng one of those days!

Mom is sleeping now. But her verbal stings from the day, and the day before and so on, still linger ...The fact the se means well is such little consolation. I feel so fucking trapped. Trying to be here for my mother, but she really has ISSUES. And she has not been aging well, but now, here I am with all these new sets of problems ... Am I fucking aging well either?

Who will save me?

Some believe you must save yourself. But how do you save yourself when you seem to be falling apart at the seams? What is there to cling to when no one reaches out a hand to hold? ( with a nod to Mariah Carey)

In Need Of Inspiration Somebody Help Me, Please!

2006-07-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

It is in the am. It was a bad day. How so?

Achy and a low mood. A drab day, but at least I managed to get out with Mom. The first time I was out since we were at the mall earlier in the week. My ankles feel swollen. My knees and arms take turns at being soar and I wonder, WTF?!!!!!

It is so very hard to plan for your future when your present is so off-track; hard to be mindful in the moment when your mind is not still.

I Can't Stop

2006-07-06T05:39:00.000-07:00

I do not seem to have a very good control on doing what I NEED to do these days. As if you could not already guess. Okay. So, it's 9:30am. I have been in pain since last night some time, been chatting online and watching my programs recorded on television. Still at Mom's but I think I really need to go back home today, only to pay my rent. Though my kewl landlord has not called me about it yet even though it is now the 6th of the month. (I check for messages on home machine regularly.)

I was really hoping to get to bed earlier today, but my mind just seems to drift. Laying down to bed is a really hard thing for me to do. I cannot seem to stop the stirring in my mind ...

Noah's Arc

2006-07-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

Noah's Arc: The Complete First Season

This is a series I have never seen but by the description I can tell it's right up my alley (no pun intended), at least, if it is executed properly. Anyobody out there wanna give a poor artist a free copy of the DVD? (Just checking!)

Noah's Arc is a superb television show that first aired on the new Logo TV network. Here are the daily lives of Noah, Alex, Ricky, and Chance, four African-American gay men in LA, through their relationships with their friends and lovers.

Noah, Alex, Ricky and Chance are four friends living the gay life in Los Angeles. Noah (Darryl Stephens) is a struggling screenwriter embarking on a new love affair with newly out (sort-of) and much more successful screenwriter, Wade (Jensen Atwood). Campy HIV counselor Alex (Rodney Chester) always keep it real with his clients but struggles to do the same with his anesthesiologist boyfriend, Trey (Gregory Keith). Ricky (Christian Vincent) owns a trendy and hip clothing store on Melrose and is the slut of the group. College professor Chance (Doug Spearman) has recently married and adopted his partner Eddie’s (Jonathan Julian) three year old daughter after a whirlwind courtship. With all these gay boys and their various paramours, you’ve got a recipe for deliciously gossipy drama and truly human comedy.

Episode Listing:

One -- My One Temptation (Part 1)
Noah introduces his best friends Alex, Ricky and Chance to his new friend Wade, an obviously straight screenwriter. The guys note Noah's attraction to Wade and warn him against getting involved, but is there a chance Wade might be gay?

Two -- My One Temptation (Part 2)
The mystery around Wade's sexuality deepens after a provocative night out with Noah. Meanwhile Alex finds a clever solution to Trey's cyber sex addiction; Ricky continues his raucous sexcapades; and Chance cheats on his and Eddie's house- with his old apartment.

Three -- Don't Mess With My Man
After weeks of neglecting his friends in favor of his new man, Noah tries to bring the two sides together at Sunday brunch. But Wade's ignorance of all things gay shines through, as does his jealousy over Noah and Ricky's physical closeness.

Four -- Don't Make Me Over
Noah insists upon meeting Wade's straight friends, but feels uncomfortable when he discovers that Wade hasn't come out to them. Frustrated by Wade's subtle attempts to get him to "butch it up", Noah struggles to stand his ground.

Five -- Nothin' Goin On But the Rent
Noah's status as a starving artist takes a turn for the worst when he gets way behind on his rent and has to sell his beloved classic car- after refusing financial help from Wade.

Six -- Writing to Reach You
When Wade's career takes a downward spiral, Noah suggests they collaborate on a project, to disastrously tense results. At the same time, Alex monopolizes everyone's time helping to set up his new business.

Seven -- Love is a Battlefield
After the success of his first studio writing gig, Noah schemes to find a way to restore Wade's professional manhood.

Eight -- I'm With Stupid
Wade temporarily moves in with Noah, causing much more tension than Noah expected. Meanwhile, Chance's special request to his boyhood church is met with a less than enthusiastic response.

Nine -- Got Til It's Gone
As tensions mount between Noah and Wade, a handsome stranger threatens to rip them apart. Meanwhile, Chance and Eddie take a big step; Alex misreads the signs about his relationship.

Running Time: 3 hours, 20 minutes on 3 discs
Director: Patrik-Ian Polk
Rating: Not Available
Studio: Paramount/Logo
Starring: Darryl Stephens, Jensen Atwood, Rodney Chester, Gregory Keith, Doug Spearman, Jonathan Julian, Johnny Smith, Nate Adams, Dwen Curry

2006-07-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

FORECAST FOR MY RECENT BIRTHDAY: !!!!

You could feel so intellectually stimulated today that you get a bit overloaded. Don't let this kind of anxiety get the best of you. Try taking some deep cleansing breaths to calm down.

A wrench could be thrown into your routine, causing you to fall behind on your chores. Try not to dwell on this too much, my dear. The fact is, you could stumble on a new opportunity.

Being helpful is very important to you. There's nothing worse than a person who sits around while others are busy working. Offer your services to someone who's struggling with their chores.

You may want to distance yourself from a colleague who is always stirring up trouble. The less attention you pay to this person, the more they will be inclined to focus their energies elsewhere.

Yeah, OK - WHATEVER!

People Betray You ... (or "Barbara vs Star")

2006-06-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

BETRAYED

2 friends for most of a lifetime
a deep, and special bond

when somebody whom you cared about
betrays you, the hurt goes reeling on ...

the days - on with confusion
the nights, chock full of pain

how can one's understanding
be someone else's game?

BETRAYAL! Thew pain I feel by my cousin Roland's rejection is hard to get beyond. I wish I was way over it, but the truth is, I am NOT! When did this shit go down? How many years ago did I quit my job in the customer service department, which eventually lead to me having to give up my high-rise downtown Toronto apartment ... which lead to me stressing over having to find a shared accomodations in a 24 hour period and living with a kewl guy and his dog for two months, which lead to having to leave that situation when that kewl guy moved into another situation ...? When was it when my grandmother died ... 6 years ago?

Fuck that! When did Roland give up on me? I think it was in motion before 6 years ago ... Did Roland begin his dismissal of me when he went to law school, or after he came out the other end of that MACHINE?

2006-06-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

...And so it is Friday again ... My spirts are low, but I am really fighting to keep the blues at bay tonight.

"...keeping the Blues at bay today ...
puttin up a fight ...
wish the Bliss could somehow stay,
and end these lonely nights ..."

{(c) by JK 2006 -}

Hehe ...

Gosh, it's midnight already. I am praying to God whole-heartedly to regain some sort of joy in life ... something that looks like normal. This is really tough ..tougher ... and I do feel all alone, for sure. Baby steps ... Baby steps, I keep telling myself. But life feels so painful. Physically and emotionally too ...

I do not know what is next ...

How do I get out of this awfulness?

Baby steps?

!!!!!!!!!!

Why Did She Come In With You

2006-06-29T02:36:00.000-07:00

"Dip it low, raise it HIGH
let it flow, touch the sky
hold your dreams, keep them close
Just tell God what u want most ..."

"The friggin' birds are chirping again outside, the dark has begun giving away to light and I have a mild headache while the extreme ache in my soul continues to burn out the once bright light of my spirit. I am indeed tired, as in sleepy, somewhat at least. Did not get much sleep yesterday. I was in a creative mood and was on the project of regrouping part of my "non-personal" blog. I got carried away, I will admit. Never got to bed until maybe 1 o'clock pm or worse. I was extremely out of it from exhaustion and I wish I had not fallen back into that old staying up too long routine. At least I got something done for a change.

Later on, after a short sleep I managed to get out! To the mall, with Mom, where I had not been in six months to a year! It felt good to be out, amongst people. I just wish I had more social intercourse. I really do not get why this has to be my fate. It still feels like I am being greatly punished for something, most times.

I think I might have caught the eye of a mustached gay man outside of East Side Mario's in the mall corridor as Mom and I entered te complex. I stole a look back and gave one of my "famous", winning, knowing teasing smiles. I could not exactly proceed with follow-up though, with Mom walking with me. Sneaky was the name of the game. Not that the dude was at all the kind of man that stopped me in my tracks or got a physical rise out of me. These here are slim pickens here in Middle of Nowhere, Nova Scotia. It is like I am preparing for settling on whatever I might be able to get in terms of an interested man. This is sooo sad.

I just want a boyfriend, a companion to share my life with, through good and bad.

I felt pretty good being out though. Of course, I had to make an effort, but fairly good spirits sustained. Mom and I went our seperate ways for most of the mall visit, finally reuniting outside East Side Mario's after she took care of a bill or something at The Bay on the top level, and I browsed Zellers and bought just a couple items for myself as a belated birthday gift. (Since no one else had bothered.) Ha. Is this it now? What I am to expect from here on out ... taking care of everything for myself?

Fuck, it feels more and more fucking unbearable as time progresses.

Suicide is tragic. Bt no man is an Island. How do you get a freaking intervention on planet of so-called loved ones who seemingly could not care less about your needs?

AM I FUCKING CURSED?

2006-06-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

Legendary Producer Arif Mardin Dies

(June 26, 2006, 12:30 PM ET)

Ken Schlager, N.Y.
Arif Mardin, the legendary producer/arranger whose career spanned landmark recordings from Aretha Franklin to the Bee Gees to a long-spanning dynamic collaboration with vocalist Chaka Khan, died yesterday (June 25) in New York. Mardin was 74 and had been suffering from pancreatic cancer for about a year.

Born in 1932 into a prominent family in Istanbul, Mardin attended the London School of Economics, but it was a lucky meeting in 1956 in Turkey with Dizzy Gillespie and Quincy Jones that lead to his decision to attend the Berklee School of Music in Boston. He graduated from Berklee in 1961 and Nesuhi Ertegun, a fellow Turk whom he met at the Newport Jazz Festival, brought him to Atlantic Records two years later.

At Atlantic, Mardin took his lessons about engineering and producing from a team of in-house giants that included Ahmet Ertegun, Jerry Wexler and Tom Dowd. Mardin originally wanted to be a big-band arranger, but he caught the pop bug in 1965, while co-producing the Rascals with Dowd. In the coming decades, he produced hits for a remarkable array of Atlantic artists, including Franklin, Average White Band, Phil Collins, Hall & Oates, Roberta Flack, Brook Benton and Dusty Springfield.

In the mid-'70s, Mardin helped the Bee Gees redefine their sound and revive their career with the album "Main Course," which included the No. 1 hit "Jive Talkin'."

Mardin showed great diversity, with successes ranging from Bette Midler's sweeping ballads "From a Distance" and "Wind Beneath My Wings" to Chaka Khan's funky "I Feel For You," which won the grammy for Best Vocals - Album. The symbiotic relationship betweeen Khan and Mardin began with Khan's classic first solo album, simply titled "Chaka" to include, the eclectic projects "Naughty", "What'cha Gonna Do For Me", "Destiny", "C.K.", and "The Woman I Am". He also produced memorable folk albums for John Prine, jazz albums for Eddie Harris, Herbie Mann and Charles Lloyd and country sets for Willie Nelson.

Mardin remained at Atlantic until 2001, rising to senior VP. Shortly after retiring from the label, he re-emerged as co-VP/GM of EMI's revived Manhattan label under Blue Note chief Bruce Lundvall. It was at EMI that Mardin put the final crescendo on his career, co-producing Norah Jones' breakthrough Blue Note album "Come Away With Me."

"Come Away With Me" won Grammys for album of the year and record of the year in 2003 and earned Mardin producer of the year honors. He also produced Jones' "Feels Like Home," which sold 1.02 million units in its debut week in February 2004.

According to his official biography, Mardin collected close to 60 gold or platinum albums and won 12 Grammy Awards. In 1990, he was inducted into the Recording Academy's Hall of Fame.

Mardin is survived by his wife Latife; son Joe Mardin, a producer; and daughters Julie and Nazan Joffre. His funeral will be in Istanbul, with a U.S. memorial service to be held in the fall.

You Fooled Me

2006-06-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

Cousin Roland has breezed back in and out of town. It sounds crazy when I say he "stole my life", of course that is an over-simplication of the role he played in my downfall, but I am truly shocked at how he has played this whole thing. Especially with our family. My Mom, for instance, seems to have bought his whole routine "hook, line, and sinker" ... As long as he survives, that's all that seems to matter. If it was not my life at stake, it would be funny.

By the way, I know he did not make things go wrong. He didn't have to quit his job; it was me. He didn't have to give up his downtown apartment in the Big City. That was me too. But he could have offered to help. He could have offered to give me a place to stay, knowing how important it was to me to NOT have to go back to Nova Scotia, where I had always hated living. Especially since he had just bought his first home!!!

Is my thinking wrong? Supposed life-long bestfriends ...?!!!

At the time, when I was moving here and there, from this dysfunction to that, the issue was skirted around. I recall that I was the one to finally broach the subject, rather, uncomfortably, since this friend whom I had loved so long, closer than a brother, did not seem to want to talk about it. It obviously became The Elephant In the Room for a time. Don't know if I finally said something when I was still in Toronto or, most likely, after I had already fallen back to Middle of Nowhere land.

To the family, I am supposed to be jealous of Roland because he's a lawyer, and I am not one. That's how simple the thinking is here. Has always been, more or less. The truth? He has always wanted the kind of life that he thought I had. So when I fell, he moved in. Not to help me, but to copy and paste himself into he parts of my life even being a lawyer could not automatically afford him. (This is so hard to write about.)

On the phone the other day, Roland says to me: "Justin, you're middle-aged now ...!"

Gee, thanks! I wasn't paying attention?!! Oh, hell, I really needed THAT! Blah blah blah my new boyfriend ... "I'll call you later ..." Which, of course, he didn't.

He is gone back to Ontario again now. Is living with his lover in the house that ws to good for me to stay in temporarily when I needed emergency lodging. The house I never saw.

Cousin Roland, The Fucking User!!!!

Broken Dreams

2006-06-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

Is there actually a point in life, after bad decisions and wrong turns in the roads to redeem one's life points and get back something even just resembling a happy life? Is there always that chance? Or can it truly be too late?

I am sure there are tons of opinions on my situation but from the neglect and ingnorance I have seen from those once considered close friends or relatives, it would be a good guess to say God is really the only one who knows. And that is encouraging, since God is the one where ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Surely it is never to late then with an earnest FAITH ...

All By Myself
I want to continue to de-clutter my apartment when I get back home from Mom's, then find a place to live in Toronto, a job? Get bach there as soon as possible. Hopefully before winter. I will truly have to do this all by myself unlike ever before, and, as life would have it, at time when I am weaker than ever before ... perhaps forever changed. Of course I am terrified, especially with these new pysical problems that have presented themselves, but there is even more ....

Yesterday When I Was Young
Ok, did I not tell you that this birthday was going to be a fucking BUST? Terribly BAD?

Told ya so ...!!!

Fuck it sucked, it was extremely difficult getting through. I am trying to be better about writing through the actual pain, so there is a better, more detailed description of what I actually live through. But I do not think that sort of writing is my particular strength.

On my birthday my big sister called, plus she sent me an email. Too bad we are not close anymore. My family never really talks about meeeeeee about what I think or where I am ...I guess to them it's all over for me. Who knows, they may actually be right about it, but I do not want to be marked DEAD when I am still alive and breathing. This is one of the main reasons it is soooo clear that I need to get out of Nova Scotia for sure - ASAP!!!!! I also recieved an ecard from my sister's-ex, her daughter's father (his was the first received) and one from my friend Lisa, out West in Alberta now. Yeah, I did expect a few more in this age of Birthday Alerts and Reminders. People soooo disapoint me.

2006-06-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

A Letter to Louise

A Biblical Affirmation of Homosexuality

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The author holds the Copyright to A Letter to Louise. Louise has given her permission for this Letter to be disseminated. She and the author hope the Letter will be read and be helpful to many, and permission is granted for noncommercial use to any individual or group if the following conditions are met:

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If reproduced in any form it should be reproduced in it's entirety and without any undocumented additions or deletions to the text. Clearly identified editorial commentary attributed to the author of the commentary are excepted and are allowed. Reproductions should also cite this web site for the reader's reference.

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© Bruce W. Lowe, 2001

INTRODUCTION

I have been asked if Louise is real. Yes, and this was a real letter to her. Shortly after I had gone to my first pastorate out of the seminary, Louise invited my wife, Anna Marie, and me to have Sunday dinner with her family. That was over 50 years ago, and she has been one of our dearest friends ever since.

The last time we visited her she told me what I have related in the first sentence of this Letter. At that time I really knew nothing about homosexuality. I did have some suppositions-- quite negative--and had never thought I needed to study it. But her words made me want to know as much as I could learn about it.

When I began reading I soon realized things about myself I now deplore: I was ignorant of the many facts about homosexuality and what the Bible says about it. Without facts I had pre-judged it; I was prejudiced. With little thought I had read into the Bible what I presumed it ought to say instead of reading out of it what it does say. My idea of not needing to study the subject was pure anti-intellectualism. I am now grateful to God that He led me to study.

I read some two score books, most by eminent sociologists, psychologists and theologians. Then I wrote this letter to Louise, reflecting what I now have come to believe is the truth about homosexuality, what the Bible says and what God wants us to think and do about it.

Now I want others to study seriously this matter of such importance to many lives and many churches and denominations. I asked for and received Louise's permission to share the Letter with others. I pray it may be helpful.

Bruce W. Lowe

January 2002

A LETTER TO LOUISE

To: Louise, dear friend, beloved of God

From: Bruce, by the immeasurable grace of God, a brother in Christ

Your heavy-hearted words to Anna Marie and me the last time we saw you will always burn in our hearts: "My brother hates God because God made him gay, and he knows he is going to hell, and I do, too, for that is what the Bible says." I struggled for a response, realizing suddenly that what I knew about gays and what the Bible says about them was very superficial. Anna Marie's immediate response to you was, "No one will go to hell who puts his faith in Jesus Christ." How gloriously true! Whatever else the Bible says or doesn`t say, homosexuals are not necessarily going to hell.

I decided to give serious study to homosexuality and what the Bible says about it. Thank God! There was so much to learn about gays and lesbians--and the Bible--that I am so glad to have come to know. It distresses me, though, to realize that most others of our church people do not know these facts about homosexuality and what the Bible really says, and that their thinking, like my previous concept, is based on suppositions, not facts, and on feelings, which, of course, have no place in a thoughtful consideration of facts.

I am now convinced that the presumption that you and your brother have about his condemnation is unjustified. I have written out what I believe is clearly a correct interpretation of pertinent Biblical passages; it is Appendix B to this letter. A correct interpretation is dependent on following dependable principles of interpretation, so I discuss these principles in Appendix A. In the body of the letter I have put the convictions I have come to into ten statements that I believe you and I and your brother and our church families must come to understand about homosexuality and about gays and lesbians. But I know some will never accept them, so I have something I want to say to those people; I have made it Appendix C.

Forgive the length of this treatise, but I didn't think I could address this matter adequately with fewer words. Also forgive the somewhat academic structure; I felt the nature of my study rather required it. I pray that this will give you some of the welcome insights my study has given me.

One. Homosexuality is an unchangeable nature; it is not a lifestyle choice.

Louise, this is an essential basis for understanding homosexuality. There may still be a few knowledgeable people who do not believe this, but practically all behavioral scientists now accept this statement as a fact. Down through history same-gender sex was universally considered to be acts by (heterosexual) people who had chosen to engage in perverted sex. Advances in the sciences, particularly psychology, in the last 100 years have shown that not all people are heterosexual; some are homosexual, and their homosexuality is an unchangeable nature, not a choice.

The concept of a homosexual nature first appeared in print in Europe in 1869 and in the United States in 1889. Acceptance of it spread slowly over the next 100 years. Freud accepted it and discussed homosexuality rather extensively in the first half of the twentieth century. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) officially recognized it in 1973 when it declassified homosexuality as being a mental illness. The American Psychological Association followed with similar action two years later.

Helmut Thielicke, a theologian conservatives respect highly and quote often, recognized in his work, The Ethics of Sex, written some forty years ago, that at least some gays and lesbians have "constitutional homosexuality," and therefore we must "accept" the fact that it is "incurable," that "our attitude toward [it] changes" [his italics]. and that it is "a divine dispensation" and "a talent that is to be invested (Luke 19:13f.)."1-1

Evidence that homosexuality is unchangeable includes: (a) ten thousand suicides each year of young homosexuals unwilling to face life with that orientation; (b) the high percentage of homosexuals who go to psychotherapists desperately wanting to change their orientation, and then (c) the very small percentage of them reportedly being changed after hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars being spent in psychotherapy; (d) the millions of homosexuals who remain "in the closet," not acting like homosexuals and not wanting anyone to learn of their orientation; (e) the thousands who are reported as coming to pastors and counselors devastated to have to recognize their unchangeable orientation and wanting assistance in dealing with it.

A few, after psychotherapy, report successful change. It is believed that most of these are not true homosexuals, but because of some trauma in childhood they adopted homosexual traits; with these, psychotherapy can often do away with the results of the trauma and lead the person back to his or her natural heterosexuality. The results of extensive psychotherapy with homosexuals who desperately wanted to change their orientation have been studied, and several books document the disheartening lack of success of their time, money and efforts. In 1998 the APA adopted a position opposing any therapy designed to change a person's sexual orientation. The APA President stated, "There is no scientific evidence that reparative or conversion therapy is effective in changing a person's sexual orientation. There is, however, evidence that this type of therapy can be destructive."1-2

Scientists and sociologists do not know what causes homosexuality, just as they don't know what causes heterosexuality, but virtually all are convinced that whatever the cause, it is unchangeable. Homosexuals are homosexual by nature; it is never something they choose.

Two. All people are created in the image of God. The homosexuality of gays and lesbians, created by God, is good and not evil.

This is the second essential basis for coming to a right understanding of homosexuals. If I can say God made me as I am, a heterosexual, then homosexuals can say God made them as they are. If God made them that way, that way is good. If I am created in the image of God, homosexuals are created in the image of God. And if God has a purpose for every life, the lives of homosexuals have a God-given purpose. Then refusing to accept and affirm them in the same way we affirm others would be trying to thwart the purposes of God. Can we draw any other conclusion?

Some church people who are not accepting of gays and lesbians may say that homosexuality is an aberration of nature and that God doesn't want it, just as he doesn`t want a child with Downs Syndrome because of the limitations it places on that child throughout life. But homosexuals have no physical or mental limitations, and there is nothing about the homosexual that can be defined as an aberration.

Some accept it as unchangeable but say it is like the predisposition to alcoholism--that a person with this predisposition is not to blame for having it, but since acting on it can lead to much destruction in many lives, the person is responsible for not acting on it and, if he becomes an alcoholic, needs to recover from it. New Testament professor Jeffrey Siker considers this analogy "not only useless but dangerous." First, he says, the damaging effects of active alcoholism are readily apparent, but the APA ceased characterizing homosexuality as a disease "because there was no clinical evidence that homosexual activity resulted in any more destructive behaviors than was the case for persons engaging in heterosexual activity." Further, we recognize that alcoholics need to "recover," but homosexuals find nothing in their nature that they can change or need to recover from. Finally, alcoholism is a disease triggered by the act of drinking; the focus is on the act of either drinking or abstaining from drinking. Homosexuality is not an act, it is a nature. It is unfortunate that heterosexuals often focus on same-gender sex when they think about homosexuality, but--and this is why the analogy is dangerous--"to do so is to miss the point of the larger context of the relationship. It is to dehumanize and depersonalize gays and lesbians, caricaturing them only in terms of their sexual activities rather than seeing them as whole persons with lives that include more than sex."2-1

Dr. Siker says a better analogy is in the first Jewish Christians and their acceptance of the Gentiles. Jews considered Gentiles as unclean, polluted, idolatrous, and sinful--the same revulsion many church people feel for homosexuals. Before Gentiles could be accepted as Christians, many thought, they must first repent of being Gentiles, become Jews and obey Jewish laws such as Sabbath-keeping and kosher food; then they could become Christians. Like the Gentiles, homosexuals do not need to repent of being such; they just need to be accepted.2-2

Another analogy would be the left-handed person, created that way, different from others, but whose difference is in no way an aberration or predisposition and whose personhood is the same as that of others. There is no reason for not admitting that the homosexual is simply made in the image of God as is every other person. The only reasonable statement is that homosexuality is God-given and, therefore, with a God-given purpose. We should embrace gays and lesbians and mutually help one another achieve the purposes God has for us all.

Three. The homosexual is just as normal a person as a heterosexual and should not be thought of in sexual terms.

Evelyn Hooker, who taught psychology at UCLA, conducted the "...very first investigation into whether or not homosexuality was an illness that examined a population of `normal' gay men--men who were not residents of mental hospitals, prisoners, or distressed patients in therapy [common subjects of study at that time], but ordinary people living ordinary, if closeted, lives....In 1956 Hooker presented her findings--that no psychological differences existed between homosexual and heterosexual men--before the annual meetings of the American Psychological Association."

But do not most heterosexuals have the very narrow view that homosexuality means engaging in sex with a partner of the same gender? That is a gross distortion. The homosexual has all the interests and concerns in life that a heterosexual has. Whatever importance sex has for the heterosexual, it has the same importance for the homosexual--no more, no less. The best definition I have read of a homosexual is that he or she is a person who falls in love with someone of the same gender. What made me, a heterosexual, fall in love with a person of the opposite gender? I can't say--it is just some innate characteristic of my makeup. In the homosexual, that characteristic works differently for some yet unknown reason, and the falling-in-love process is directed at the same gender. But it is a true falling in love. It isn't a sexual thing for them any more that it is for heterosexuals.

While some homosexuals are sexually lustful and promiscuous, the percentage may actually be lower than that of heterosexuals. The pornographic industry, estimated at up to one hundred billion dollars a year, the gentlemen's clubs, the brothels, internet pornography, etc. are all supported by heterosexual lust. That industry annually lures two thousand teenage girls into prostitution in the city of Dallas alone.3-2 Homosexuals have little interest in any of that widespread industry. Every fifteen minutes in America a heterosexual rapes a woman; homosexuals don't rape women or kidnap young girls or give birth to babies infected with AIDS. If we look at a heterosexual man or woman and do not immediately think of sex, then when we look at a gay or a lesbian, we should not immediately think of sex. They are people like us with the same needs and concerns, problems and failures and successes and sorrows and joys that we have, plus lots of problems that we do not have. What is a homosexual act? Examples: a gay man walking his dog or a lesbian fixing her supper.

Four. Several passages in the Bible speak of same-gender sex. In every instance, the Bible is talking about heterosexuals who, filled with lust, have become sex perverts. The Bible says nothing about innate homosexuality as we know it today or about people who are homosexuals.

Until the late nineteenth century, as already mentioned, the concept of homosexuality was totally unknown. No Bible writer knew of homosexuality, so no Bible writer could have said anything about it. When the Bible speaks of same-gender sex, it is always talking about heterosexuals who are given over to such lust that they commit lustful acts. There cannot be anything in the Bible that says anything about (unknown) homosexuality or homosexual people or acts by homosexuals.

No one questions the Bible's condemnation of sexual lust, and today that would be whether it was homosexual or heterosexual. Some want to say that same-gender sex acts are condemned by the Bible, and it doesn`t matter by whom they are committed. No, lustful same-gender sex acts are. Heterosexual sex acts are also condemned by the Bible whenever they are lustful, but that doesn't mean all heterosexual sex acts are condemned. It is the lust that is condemned, not an act. If we recognize that opposite-gender sex can be either lustful and evil as in rape or be moral and beautiful as between loving spouses, we must recognize the possibility that same-gender sex can be moral and beautiful, as well as lustful and evil. (This is discussed further in Eight below.) The Bible says nothing about homosexual people being sent to hell.

Five. The burden imposed on homosexuals by society is a great evil. We should stand in revulsion against, and do all we can to oppose, the prejudice, the hatreds, and the condemnation of a society that make the homosexual's life so difficult.

Can Professor Stein be correct about America?: "The evidence is overwhelming that the United States is a society where there is a strong fear and a deep hatred of lesbians and gay men. This hatred and fear are manifested in discrimination and oppressive laws and social practices."

The lynching of Blacks has almost passed, but not the lynching of gays and lesbians. Some one hundred hate-crime murders of gays and lesbians are recorded in the U.S. each year. Most receive little press. An exception was Matt Shepard--beaten and tied to a fence to die in Wyoming because he was gay. Shortly afterwards, gays and lesbians all over America received faxes, emails and phone calls saying, "Matt Shepard is dead; you may be next." Two such murders have had books written about them. A man walking in a wilderness area in Pennsylvania observed from a distance two women camped there, and they were holding hands. He walked back to his truck for his rifle. One of the women survived his shooting and wrote the book, Eight Bullets.5-2 (For the other book, see Six below.) Gays in a major city complained to the police that it was not safe for them to walk in their neighborhood. The police didn't believe them but finally had plain-clothes officers walk there as decoys. The officers, mistaken for gays, were attacked by men with baseball bats. Twelve men were finally arrested for homophobic attacks in that one neighborhood. An article in our paper a few days ago told of a man asking where the nearest gay bar was; he said he wanted to shoot some queers. A few minutes later he did. Such things are happening everywhere in America, and gays and lesbians live in constant anxiety about these kinds of hate crimes.

Homosexuals do not have the natural protection of the law that others have. There are nationwide laws against discrimination on the basis of race and national origin, but only one-fifth of our states have laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation--there is no federal law. The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld laws in two states making same-gender sex illegal. A Dallas judge gave a light sentence to a murderer explaining that the victim was only a homosexual. What encouragement is thus given to gay-bashers! The hatred gays and lesbians encounter, added to the psychological problems most face in accepting their homosexuality, make many of them live in an ever-present milieu that borders on trauma.

Psychotherapist John J. McNeill writes,

Many problems... make a positive adjustment to a [homosexual] life extremely difficult. Among these difficulties can be enumerated the agonies of remorse and self-torture over what typical homosexuals feel to be their immoral desires, whether these arise from conscious identity with the condemnations of Church and society or from neurotic conflicts within themselves; their openness to blackmail and other forms of intimidation; their status of being outside the normal protection of the law; their necessity continually to conceal what they frequently believe to be their true identity from public view, with the added threat that accidental revelation could result in loss of their job, expulsion from school, dishonorable discharge from military service, loss of future security and job opportunities, loss of friends and the respect of family and dependents. Still other problems involve their propensity to sexual promiscuity [because they are] divorced from a complete and healthy interpersonal relationship; and the resulting tendency for sexual desires indulged in, but never fully satisfied, to occupy a disproportionate place in their life. Above all else, there is the very real threat of ultimate loneliness to one to whom all the normal structures of society - marriage, children, dependents, etc. - are closed. It should be noted, however, that all these negative aspects of homosexuality are not due to homosexuality as such, but are the results of both society's and the Church's attitude to the homosexual. All these rather common aspects of homosexual life can effectively paralyze all initiative, result in a feeling of inferiority, and lead to an emotional breakdown which could make social adjustment impossible.

All of this hate is a sickness in our society that comes from ignorance about homosexuality. Our society must become informed, enlightened about it. Those who are involved in discussions in denominations and churches about it must study it and not speak from ignorance of it and the result of ignorance: prejudice.

Six. Homosexuals are being sinned against by our churches. Like our society, our churches need to change.

"Kill a Queer for Christ"

I added the italics, foolishly; what italics are needed for such a statement. In your small town you probably have not seen that cleverly alliterative bumper sticker. For you and me it is unbelievable, unreal. Sadly, it is very real.

The thinking shown in the bumper sticker and the position of many churches and their pastors abets the crimes against gays and lesbians. Peter Gomes, Professor of Christian Morals at Harvard, says, "The combination of ignorance and prejudice under the guise of morality makes the religious community, and its abuse of scripture in this regard, itself morally culpable."6-1 He relates this:

In preparing for her novel The Drowning of Stephen Jones, based upon the true story of a young gay man tossed from a bridge to his death by a group of young gay-bashers, author Bette Greene interviewed more than four hundred young men in jail for various forms of gay-bashing. Few of the men, she noted, showed any remorse for their crimes. Few saw anything morally wrong with their crimes, and more than a few of them told her that they were justified in their opinions and in their actions by the religious traditions from which they came. Homosexuality was wrong and against the Bible. One of those interviewed told her that the pastor of his church had said that homosexuals represented Satan and the Devil. The implication of his logic was clear: Who could possibly do wrong in destroying Satan and all of his works? The legitimization of violence against homosexuals and Jews and women and blacks, as we have seen, comes from the view that the Bible stigmatizes these people, thereby making them fair game. If the Bible expresses such a prejudice, then it certainly cannot be wrong to act on that prejudice. This is the argument every anti-Semite and racist has used with demonstrably devastating consequences, as our social history all too vividly shows.

When the funeral of Matt Shepard (above) was held, a Baptist preacher from Kansas with sympathizers from several states were there marching in front of the funeral site with placards reading, "God Hates Fags" and "Fag Matt in Hell." It is some consolation to know that the people of the town formed themselves into a wall between the marchers and the family, and when the marchers began to cry out their messages, the people sang "Amazing Grace." ("Fag," short for "faggot," originated several centuries ago in Europe when people who had engaged in same-gender sex were burned at the stake.)

In the summer of 1998 fundamentalist Christian organizations, fearful of the consideration by some states of recognizing same-gender marriage, spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on ads in major newspapers telling the nation that gays and lesbians are "sick" and "sinful," that they can and should be "cured," and that their rights and protections should be denied.

Louise, one of the first things I realized when I started to think about this subject was that the millions of gays and lesbians in this nation will never, with few exceptions, darken the doors of our churches, because they know our attitude toward them is one of hatred and condemnation. Is "hatred" too strong a word? A few years ago a Baptist church in Austin ordained a homosexual, and the leaders of the Baptist General Convention of Texas asked the church to disassociate itself from the Convention. The next day The Dallas Morning News ran this two-column headline: "Baptist General Convention Reasserts Its Hatred of Gays, Lesbians."6-4 We may piously say that we don't hate the sinner, only the sin, but the newspaper believed it just the way it was printed, and gays and lesbians do, too.

A writer says, "Those of us who have published opinion pieces in favor of gay equality can testify that most of the hate mail we get cites religious justifications for the hate."

A gay and a straight man worked together and became close friends. Then the straight man became a Christian. When his friend learned about it, he was concerned and asked, "Now that you are a Christian, will you still love me?" Isn't that a tragic question? What did this man think about Christians that made him ask that? The Christian has a love that transcends anything known by the world, doesn't he/she? Yet how many Christians would desert such a friendship? Christians! Jesus' love included; our lack of love excludes. I have read that Carl Sandburg was once asked what he thought was the ugliest word in the English language. He thought for a minute and replied, "Exclusion."

Our churches need to change, for the churches ought to be havens for gays and lesbians from the insufferable burdens they bear constantly. But when the world believes that churches despise and condemn homosexuals, those who hate them find encouragement. Fundamentalists such as Southern Baptists and Catholics promote the problems seemingly with a vengeance, declaring homosexuality itself a sin.6-6 Even the mainstream denominations do to a great extent as we read frequently in the papers. Most denominations are discussing it openly; without exception they are divided in their thinking, and the news reports of the discussions publicize the negative rhetoric along with the positive. This subject so needs to be examined and discussed at length in our churches, without passion and with open minds. I believe what I am stating in this letter will be the truth the churches will discover. Then they must act on and proclaim that truth.

When the story of the Holocaust became more fully known, there was recognition that the sin of the Nazis was not the only sin involved--there was the silence on the part of the churches and of other nations as they learned about it during the war. When we know of the hate and the hate-crimes against lesbians and gays, we should not be silent; we have a responsibility to fight it. Our silence encourages it and makes us guilty.

Pastor Paul Duke is preaching about the sufferings of gays and lesbians:

Whose fault is this? It's the fault of us all. It's the fault of any of us who make jokes about gay people, who insult them with the use of demeaning names. It's the fault of us who are silent when others do these things or when they publish lies about what homosexuality is. And it's the fault of us who don't provide a safe place and a caring response to those of homosexual orientation. Who knows how many hundreds of thousands of lives have been lost - to violence, to suicide, to drugs, to promiscuity, to AIDS, to shattered self-esteem, to life forever outside the doors of the church - because we have participated in or by silence colluded with the demeaning and the ostracizing of homosexual people. In this respect there is blood on the hands of the church. And that's what has driven me more than anything else to talk with you as I am doing. I have had a vision of Christ at the judgment asking, "Why were you silent?" Why has the church abandoned these children of God to despair and to death? When people are lost and dying by the millions you don't pontificate about sexual morality, you reach out to them, you give them a safe place, you listen, you talk, you love with the love of Christ.

You and I realize that the people in our churches are ignorant about the truths I have already stated about homosexuals and homosexuality. They must be made to realize that honesty and integrity demand they make judgments on the basis of knowledge and not on groundless feelings and prejudice. It's like the race hatreds and segregated churches of a few decades ago; most church people know better now and our churches are at least open to all. The same must happen with this issue. I think of the homespun philosopher Josh Billings' saying, "The longer I live the more I find it necessary to reexamine those things about which I was once most certain." The church can't begin its reexamination too soon.

I've given a lot of space to the church here, but that's where we both have our hearts. And our churches are so terribly wrong here, just as they were in the sixties with the race issue and 150 years ago with slavery. All the wonderful things our churches are doing and the immeasurable importance they are to our society can't cover up our woeful failures in this matter.

Seven. Gays and lesbians in general have the potential for outstanding character and accomplishment; some may have greater potential than most heterosexuals to be exceptional persons.

It is well known that while certain characteristics are dominant in men and others dominant in women, all people have some of both characteristics. Psychologists have found that the gay man has an exceptional supply of feminine characteristics (enough that he falls in love with a man -?), and the lesbian has an exceptional supply of male characteristics (enough that she falls in love with a woman -?). Psychologists are recognizing that this special combination of characteristics in homosexuals often results in their having exceptional potential.

Psychologist Mark Friedman, from a series of tests administered to both gays and lesbians, found that the homosexuals he tested were superior to their heterosexual counterparts in such psychological qualities as autonomy, spontaneity, orientation toward the present, and increased sensitivity to the value of the person.7-1 Thielicke remarked that the homosexual "is frequently gifted with a remarkable heightened sense of empathy."

The eminent psychologist Jung gives five very positive aspects of the homosexual male:

· This [homosexuality] gives him a great capacity for friendship, which often creates ties of astonishing tenderness between men, and may even rescue friendship between the sexes from its limbo of the impossible.

He may have good taste and an aesthetic sense which are fostered by the presence of a feminine streak.

· Then, he may be supremely gifted as a teacher because of his almost feminine insight and tact.

· He is likely to have a feeling for history, and to be conservative in the best sense and cherish the values of the past.

· Often he is endowed with a wealth of religious feelings, which help him to bring the ecclesia spiritualis [the spiritual church] into reality, and a spiritual receptivity which makes him responsive to revelation.

A special hope for homosexual influence on society is expressed by McNeill:

There is no doubt that the homosexual man is freer to develop aesthetic values than is his male counterpart in the heterosexual world, and thus he has an important role to play in guiding humanity to a deeper appreciation of aesthetic values.... There is the hopeful possibility that the homosexual community could serve the human community as a whole by making the male free to do works of service in the human community without feeling guilty about betraying the standards of his male identity.

Many writers speak of the contributions gays and lesbians have made to our world and name dozens of examples, some of the world's most famous statesmen, artists, writers, musicians, etc., present and past. While gays and lesbians make up probably 4%-6% of the population, a study of the biographies of 1004 eminent people found 11% of them to be homosexual or bisexual, with certain categories higher: 24% of poets, 21% of fiction writers, and 15% of artists and musicians.

Louise, it seems as though one ought to look on a gay or a lesbian as potentially a very special person made that way by God, one we should seek out, especially for our churches.

Eight. It is not only unrealistic to expect homosexuals to live without sex, but also it is psychologically harmful to them for them to do so.

Now we are face to face with the question of what is moral in sex expression. In so many people's minds, the whole meaning of homosexuality is immoral sex. And that is evil, they say, because sex must be between male and female, and it is evil because sex must be in marriage; it is as simple and black and white as that. But nothing as complex as sex, which plumbs both the heights of beauty and the depths of ugliness, can be simple, and no black and white rule can touch it. Professor Kathy Rudy says, "Christian ethicists, moral theologians, and religious leaders throughout the ages have spent an enormous amount of time and energy thinking about when sex can be considered moral and when it cannot."

Theologian James B. Nelson writes,

Even on such a major issue as sexual intercourse between unmarried consenting adults there is no explicit prohibition in either Hebrew Scripture or the New Testament (which John Calvin discovered to his consternation). Indeed, the Song of Solomon celebrates one such relationship. I believe that our best biblical scholarship reaches Walter Wink's conclusion: `There is no biblical sex ethic. The Bible knows only a love ethic, which is constantly being brought to bear on whatever sexual mores are dominant in any given country, or culture, or period.'

One reason theologians and Christian ethicists have difficulty finding a sex ethic in the Bible is that the Bible's condemnation of sexual acts is always associated with selfish lust, with nothing said about a loving sex life. Further, the Bible does not say that moral sex is confined to what we understand marriage to be. For example, David and Solomon, beloved and used by God, were polygamists. Solomon had hundreds of mistresses. A pastor is found to have one mistress, and he is quickly gone. (This is not to comment on whether he should or should not be, only to point out the contrast between our concepts and a Biblical example.) Some New Testament Christians, church members, obviously were not "the husband of one wife" or I Timothy 3:2 would not have been written.

Must sex be between male and female? One act of sex must be. Is that all of sex, or for heterosexuals does sex--let's think only of beautiful sex--involve many other acts, some of which sometimes become more important than that one act? Does marriage make sex beautiful and moral? Even those who insist that sex must be only in marriage admit that there is often immoral sex within marriage--selfishness, exploitation, even rape. So the marriage certificate is not what determines whether sex is moral or immoral. Then we must say that if legality is not the criterion for the morality of sex, lack of legality cannot be the criterion for its immorality.

McNeill speaks to this:

The average person has associated and confused the question of the morality of sexual conduct with the question of its objective legal status. The reason for this confusion is, in part, that one finds a very easily applied objective norm: sex before marriage is wrong; sex after marriage is right.... There is something more to the moral quality of sexual behavior than the purely objective legal question of marriage... Something else ought to be present; that something else is love.... The human conforms to the divine image revealed in Christ not by acting in an impersonal, rational way, but by acting from a motive of love.

Nelson, Wink, and McNeill say love is the criterion. At least we can know that the definition is not in either a certificate or a specific sex act but is somewhere in the heart and mind of the participants. This does not define moral sex, but it tells us that the definition is not in an objective rule, but in the subjective psyche of the participants. Since the minds and hearts of gays and lesbians are in no way limited, are no different from the minds and hearts of heterosexuals, they can have the same criteria as heterosexuals for a moral sex act.

These things clearly indicate that requiring celibacy of gays and lesbians cannot be supported by the Bible, is unjustifiable from an ethical standpoint, and can be damaging psychologically. Many psychiatrists believe (a) it is wrong to consign a person to such isolation and loneliness, one who is thus cut off from close relationships with either sex, not temporarily but until death; (b) it is unrealistic to expect this for it is virtually impossible for it to be done; (c) many of those who attempt to do this do so for pathological reasons; (d) the "almost inevitable results [of attempting celibacy] will be tragic in terms of suffering, guilt, and mental disorder;" and (e) growth and maturity require deep and committed relationships in one's life.

I wondered about pathology in attempts at celibacy until I read McNeill's statement:

In my experience as a psychotherapist, I have found that the vast majority of people living out a life of abstinence do so for pathological reasons. Many have interiorized the homophobia of the surrounding culture and the Church and as a consequence hate and fear their sexual feelings....Others live out a life of abstinence because of serious trauma to their capacity for intimacy with another human....Those who have repressed or denied their homosexual feelings for pathological reasons are the ones in greatest danger of acting out those needs compulsively, imprudently, and unconsciously, seeking punishment for what they see as their crime....I would heartily advise all gay people to develop the most intimate and committed relationship possible for them.

It would seem that a sound scriptural argument against requiring celibacy would be Paul's writing clearly in I Cor. 7:9 that he does not expect all the church people to be able to be celibate even for the brief time before the (expected) return of Christ. Some commentators suggest that I Tim. 4:1-4, in speaking of marriage being good and not to be denied because "everything created by God is good," would include homosexual marriage because God created homosexuality.

Highly respected theologians are coming to the conclusion that gays and lesbians need to develop intimate and committed relationships. Thielicke: "It is true that the homosexual relationship is... very certainly a search for the totality of the other human being. [Italics his] He who says otherwise has not yet observed the possible human depth of a homoerotic-colored friendship."8-6 McNeill: "A general consideration of scriptural data concerning sexual behavior leads to only one certain conclusion: those sexual relations can be justified morally which are a true expression of human love. The call of the Gospel is not one of conforming passively to biological givens; rather, that call is to transform and humanize the natural order through the power to love."

William Barclay, whose commentaries on the books of the New Testament have sold over a million copies, has this comment on celibacy: "Sex is a part of life and the deliberate annihilation of it is not a virtue; it is a criticism of life as God made it and meant it to be."8-8 McNeill believes, "Only a sadistic God would create millions of humans as gay with no choice in the matter and no hope of changing and then deny them the right to express their gayness in a loving relationship for the rest of their lives under threat of eternal damnation."

Historical theology professor Rosemary Reuther writes:

Once sex is no longer confined to procreative genital acts and masculinity and femininity are exposed as social ideologies, then it is no longer possible to argue that sex/love between two persons of the same sex cannot be a valid embrace of bodily selves expressing love. If sex/love is centered primarily on communion between two persons rather than on biological concepts of procreative complementarity, then the love of two persons of the same sex need be no less than that of two persons of the opposite sex. Nor need their experience of ecstatic bodily communion be less valuable.

One of the earliest affirmations of this that I found is a statement made by Quakers back in 1963: "... the Quaker committee, after a long study of homosexuality, drew the conclusion: `Surely it is the nature and quality of a relation that matters; one must not judge it by its outer appearance but its inner worth. Homosexual affection can be as selfless as heterosexual affection, and, therefore, we cannot see that it is in some way morally worse.'"

In 1975 a symposium on homosexuality at the annual meeting of the Christian Association for Psychological Studies [note Christian Association] reported that behavioral science research and the realities of their clinical practice had forced them to propose that while promiscuity, fornication, and adultery should be regarded as sinful for both homosexual and heterosexual persons, a loving, committed, permanent relationship between two persons of the same sex was in an entirely different category and was not condemned in Scripture, and that Christians burdened with an involuntary homosexual orientation could choose a committed homosexual relationship as within God's will rather than an unwanted celibacy.

If I can believe as I do, that gays and lesbians can have in their hearts and minds the criteria set forth here in their relationships, then I can believe, as I have come to, that they can engage in loving sex that is moral and that provides for their psychological needs--God-created needs--as celibacy cannot. And I can believe that their sexual love is not condemned by scripture, but is within the principles God expects us to live by.

You understand this is not a blanket approval of all homosexual sex. It is speaking of loving, committed relationships. I do not know what percentage of homosexuals are included here, but probably it is, unfortunately, a small percentage (10% in one large-scale study of gays.8-13) Many believe that number would increase if society accepted homosexuality for what it is and encouraged committed relationships, as it does heterosexual relationships.

Nine. Full acceptance by society, including the blessings and legality of marriage should be extended to gays and lesbians in the same way it is extended to others.

Louise, if it is moral as well as psychologically needful--a God-created need--for homosexuals to live as couples in committed relationships, as many theologians and psychologists have said it is, then homosexuals who are in loving, long-term, committed relationships should have the societal rights and privileges that marriage can give them. Following are some statements in this regard.

A graduate school history professor writes,

"Family" need not mean the traditional heterosexual family to the exclusion of all others....Gays and lesbians want the right to marry for the same reasons other Americans do: to gain the moral, legal, social and spiritual benefits conferred on the marrying couple and especially on their family unit. The material benefits of marriage are considerable, but it is the moral benefit that is especially attractive to many couples, including gay and lesbian ones. Marriage is, or can be, a moral commitment that two people make to one another. The marriage vow enshrines love, honor, respect, and mutual support and gives people access to resources and community acknowledgment that serve to strengthen their bond.

And Nava and Dawidoff say:

Marriage is not conditioned on the intention or the capacity to have children. Nothing in marriage, except custom, mandates partners of different genders. For example, [Yale historian] John Boswell notes that in ancient Rome `marriages between males and between females were legal and familiar among the upper classes.' The institution of marriage in our society appears to be one that encourages monogamy as the basis for stable personal lives and as one aspect of the family. If we think about what marriage is for, it becomes clear that it is for people to find ways to live ordered, shared lives; it is intended to be the stablest possible unit of family life and a stable structure of intimacy.

Noting Paul's advice that it was better to marry than to burn, Theology professor Daniel C. Maguire points out as long as homosexual couples are denied marriage, "there is no alternative to burning."

Was it not God who said, "It is not good for man to be alone." (Gen. 2:18)? James Nelson, Professor of Christian Ethics, believes that "same-sex relationships are fully capable of expressing God's humanizing intentions," and views the "homosexual problem" as "more truly a heterosexual problem" (of homophobia), just as the "woman problem" is a problem of "male sexism."

As I have discussed above, the Bible cannot be used to argue against this for the Bible has nothing to say about homosexual people. Here is a religious editor's word in this connection:

Nor can the Bible be confidently cited in this debate. Certainly, the concept of same-sex marriage is not found in the Bible. But the concept of government by democracy is also not found in the Bible, only that of monarchy. On strictly biblical grounds, the doctrine of the divine right of kings has a firmer base than government by the people. Human experience, however, has led us to believe that democracy is not an illegitimate, unbiblical form of government. Since the biblical models of marriage range from polygamy at one end to celibacy on the other, we shall have to find our own way and not claim that the Bible permits only one model of marriage.

Lesbians and gays have some interesting thoughts about same-gender relationships:

The fact that we are in a same-sex relationship means that the predetermination of roles by gender, sometimes so destructive a force in heterosexual relationships, is not relevant to our lives. Each member of a same-sex couple is free to act from individual interests, predilections, and skills, rather than having to choose between conforming to or rebelling against the cultural norm. We are able to see the mainstream culture from a greater distance and a healthier perspective. This means that we know that many of the oppressive messages of the culture are inapplicable to us, and that others are simply false or distorted. Thus, we are able to circumvent much of what is jokingly referred to as `The Battle of the Sexes' - really, no joking matter at all. Ironically, it is the same-sex couple that can most clearly see itself as being composed of two human beings, whereas the heterosexual couple is constantly having to deal with the coercive personae of Man and Woman.

Another lesbian says:

In many ways, we [lesbians] have an easier time of creating a truly egalitarian, mutual and mature relationship. In fact, some researchers are now beginning to look at the same-sex couple as a model for helping heterosexuals to create more human relationships. In contrast with heterosexuals, who often feel alienated from their mates, we need only look inside ourselves to know much about our lovers. We are able to relax with each other in a much more trusting way than can most straight couples. The inequities in our relationships are individually made ones, for the most part, and not a function of historically sanctioned power imbalances that have created the fear and hatred in which many women and men coexist today. In a lesbian couple, both women can freely develop strength and competence. In addition, having been socialized as women, we have been trained to be interpersonally sensitive, nurturant, gentle and compassionate. In a heterosexual relationship, these qualities are used primarily to serve the man and to oppress the woman, who often must bear full responsibility for the emotional quality of the relationship.... These same attributes, however, can create a miraculously high-quality relationship when shared by two women who are matched in their capacities to share and to love.

A gay philosophy professor at MIT observes:

Once we understand what marriage is, we can see what marriage would mean for us, and why it is worth fighting for. Same-sex marriage would not force anyone to honor or approve of gay or lesbian relationships against their will. But it would enable those of us who are involved in gay or lesbian relationships to get the rest of society to understand that we take these relationships just as seriously as heterosexual married couples take theirs. And without marriage, we remain second-class citizens - excluded, for no good reason, from participating in one of the basic institutions of society.

There is an interesting note from church history.

[Noted church historian] John Boswell... has discovered that, whereas the church did not declare heterosexual marriage to be a sacrament until 1215 C.E., one of the Vatican Library's earliest Greek liturgical documents is a marriage ceremony for two persons of the same sex. The document dates to the fourth century, if not earlier. In other words, nine centuries before heterosexual marriage was declared a sacrament, the church liturgically celebrated same-sex covenants.

Louise, this goes against everything I had ever thought about homosexuality--which I confess now was very little. But I pray for an open mind that puts truth first in my thinking. I see truth in all of the above. Regardless of what I have thought in the past, this is what I have to believe now. Josh Billings, thank you for your encouragement.

Ten. As in society, gays and lesbians should be accepted and affirmed in our churches and given any opportunity for service, including ordination, that others have.

You know that for the past decade or so most Protestant denominations have been debating whether to affirm, and especially whether to ordain, homosexuals. Many committees/commissions have been appointed to study the matter and make recommendations to their general denominational bodies or their churches. I have read of much of this activity and the reports. In every case that I can recall now the commissions have recommended just about what I have said in this discussion. Then when the commissions have brought their recommendations to the general assemblies/conventions or to their churches, their reports have been voted down.

I am impressed that those who have made a serious study of this matter--the members of the commissions--are in favor of affirming gays and lesbians, and that those who vote it down are the ones who have not studied it. If they vote it down because they have not studied it, then they are voting on the basis of pre-judging, that is, prejudice. Prejudging, prejudice, is evil. We need to put aside our prejudices and presuppositions, then seriously and open-mindedly study this matter.

Since there is no explicit instruction in the Bible about homosexual ordination, we must derive our belief from our understanding of the principles of the Bible. Dr. Tex S. Sample has this concept:

The question of their union - and celibacy and marriage as well, for that matter - is whether it serves the kingdom of God.... [There are three questions about ordination:] the first is whether one's union basically frustrates one's commitment to the kingdom of God.... The second issue for ordination is whether one's union, like marriage or celibacy, frees one for obedience to God and propels one to fulfill God's aims.... Finally, and perhaps most important, does the union itself bear witness to the covenantal reality of the kingdom of God?... When homosexual unions are faithful to God's rule, manifest its power, serve its aims and bespeak its hopes and joys, the basic question of readiness for ordained ministry has been met.

In 1973 the United Church of Christ's Executive Council urged the full acceptance of homosexual persons symbolized by ordination: "In the instance of considering a stated homosexual's candidacy for ordination the issue should not be his/her homosexuality as such, but rather the candidate's total view of human sexuality and his/her understanding of the morality of its use."10-2 The UCC's national body has recently adopted this, the only mainline denomination to have such a policy at this time. In June 2001 the Presbyterian General Assembly voted to permit ordination of openly non-celibate gay clergy. This must be ratified by the 173 presbyteries.

Conservative theologian Stanley Grenz observes that homosexuality in itself should not be considered in selecting a candidate for ordination, because, "The texts that set down guidelines for the selection of officers focus on three basic prerequisites - giftedness for leadership, spirituality and character, and public reputation (e.g., I Tim. 3:1-13).... These criteria give central emphasis to the importance of one's present life of faith."

And Richard Hays, although believing homosexuality to be sinful, notes that other sins are in the same list with homosexuality, and concludes, "It is arbitrary to single out homosexuality as a special sin that precludes ordination. (Certainly the New Testament does not do this.) The church has no analogous special rules to exclude from ordination the greedy or the self-righteous. Such matters are left to the discernment of the bodies charged with examining candidates for ordination; these bodies must determine whether the individual candidate has the gifts and graces requisite for ministry."

Louise, surely any gay or lesbian who comes to our churches professing that Jesus Christ is Lord should be accepted and affirmed in every way just as you and I have been.

I have to believe deeply that these ten statements are true. The convictions have come from seriously studying this subject, and, thankfully, I now can feel enlightened about it. How I wish all our church members, especially all our pastors, would make such a study.

Now I know that gays and lesbians do not choose their orientation, for they are created by God, in his image with an unchangeable orientation which is good and with a God-given purpose. I know the love between gays and between lesbians is no less than that of others. I am convinced the Bible supports their loving, committed relationships, that there is no moral evil in such and that society and our churches should affirm them fully.

And homosexuals have those characteristics that give them some extraordinary potential in very desirable areas! If we would only accept them, respect them, affirm them and bring them out of their closets, they could give beauty and strength to society and our churches. It is not only sad, isn't it somewhat irresponsible that for a matter so important to so many people, to churches and to denominations, our churches and their members have never seriously studied what the Bible says and doesn't say about this matter? I am writing out below what I am thoroughly convinced is the correct understanding of scripture that may have relevance to this subject.

APPENDIX A
ON THE INTERPRETATION OF THE BIBLE
We Baptists believe that each person must interpret the Bible for himself or herself; we are not to let anyone else control our thinking about scripture. Surely there are some helpful guides for interpreting scripture, some principles that we should follow. I have selected a few of these to discuss briefly that I think are very important to our rightly understanding our Bible and perhaps especially the subject of homosexuality.

(1) Understanding the Bible is understanding what the writer wanted his readers to understand. This seems so obvious, but millions of Bible readers and thousands of preachers violate this principle constantly because when they look at a passage, they do not give a thought either to the author or to those to whom he wrote but immediately begin to decide what the words, by themselves, mean. Practically everyone is guilty of this. This leads to almost as many different ideas as there are readers. But the only truth in a passage is the truth the writer was trying to convey to readers who were his contemporaries. The New Testament scholar H. E. Dana, in his Searching the Scriptures, says, "The ultimate object which we seek in interpretation is the thought in the mind of the New Testament writer which sought expression in the written text.... We should seek to discover the one meaning which the writer had in mind, and then apply that meaning to our moral and religious experience."A-1 This is a basic fact about the whole Bible, and it involves several things:

(a) The writer's meaning comes out of his background. While the Bible is an inspired revelation of God, giving us "truth without any mixture of error" about God as the Baptist Faith and Message Statement says, God did not dictate; he let the authors of the books write out of their own consciousness and experience, using their own words (for example, the Greek of some NT writers was atrocious. Isn't it wonderful how unimportant that was for God's using them!). The Biblical author can write only out of his own culture, understandings and presuppositions. (Two presuppositions every writer in the Bible had were that everyone was heterosexual and that women were inferior.) People who have gone to church and Sunday school regularly usually know something about the writer's circumstances. The problem often is not ignorance of the writer's background but careless inattention to it.

(b) The writer's meaning is determined by the background and situation of those to whom he wrote. Paul's letter to Philemon is an obvious illustration of this. The scriptures were written to people who lived thousands of years ago. Everything the author wrote to them had in mind their culture, circumstances and needs. Do we read and with great earnestness ask, "What is Paul saying to me?" The answer: Nothing. He wasn't writing to me. God is trying to say something to me through something he inspired Paul to write almost 2000 years ago to his (Paul's) contemporaries to meet their first century needs. Paul was applying eternal, Christian principles to their needs. It is my task to see and understand these principles so that I can apply them to my 21st century life.

(c) Our understanding of the writer's meaning is colored by our own culture, experiences, understandings, presuppositions, etc. It is easier for us to impose our culture on the first century writer and readers than it is to understand theirs, so I am sure our interpretations would often be unrecognizable by the writer. If you and I read the same thing, not just the Bible, our interpretations will often be different just because of our different backgrounds and experiences. Which of us will be right? So many times I have stood in the vestibule after a service to speak to people as they left the church and had someone comment on something I had said in the sermon, only to think to myself, Where in the world did they get that? I didn't say anything like that! Many church members have such a cultural revulsion to the thought of same-gender sex that anything in the Bible about it is interpreted as its being the worst of revolting evils. So their thought is, "No homosexual could ever be welcomed to our church, he or she is just too vile." Actually, same-gender sex is in lists along with greed, envy, lying and gossip and is apparently neither better nor worse than those sins. Our culture's influence is what makes them different, not the Bible. (Now, does the list mean that lust is not very bad or that greed, envy, lying and gossip are just as vile in God's sight as lust? That is a serious question: How does God judge sin? The way we do? Appendix C below attempts to say a little about this.) We must try to keep our own background and culture out of our interpretations.

(d) Isn't it obvious and unquestionable that the Bible writers had a purpose for writing what they did? Our understanding of that purpose may be the most important thing about our understanding the meaning. As we read and watch the author fulfill his purpose, our understanding opens up. Whatever the author's purpose, it was for his contemporaries; he didn't have us in mind. Understanding why the writer was writing and what he wanted to accomplish will lead to our finding the principles and eternal truths in the writing.

(e) The meaning of the author is not in his words (!); words are merely imperfect vehicles for use in transferring thought. I can still hear the great W. T. Connor raise his voice in my theology class: "The Bible does not mean what it says, it means what it means." And I also hear thoughtless, defensive cries, "My Bible means what it says!" No, nothing ever written or spoken means what it says, it always means what it means. Words are the best things we have for trying to transfer the thinking of one mind to the understanding of another mind. If we are face to face, gestures and tone of voice help, and we can ask, "What do you mean?" But if it is something written, we probably never get exactly what was in the writer's mind. Nevertheless, we must try, and remembering principles of interpretation helps.

Every principle of interpretation outlined here is violated when we lift words out of the Bible, out of their context, out of their culture, away from the writer's purpose, hold them up and declare, "This is what the Bible says!" An example of this evil is in pointing to Leviticus 18 or Romans 1 and declaring, "The Bible says homosexuals are going to hell." The words of the Bible, wonderful as they are, are still limited in transferring thought, but they are all the writer had for getting his thoughts to his readers. If we can possibly go behind the words to the mind of the writer, we can have a glorious revelation of God. If we stop with the words, we shall find and worship and proclaim only false gods. The right question never is, "What does this passage say?" It always is, "What does this passage mean?"

If all these things are not considered seriously, we shall have either no understanding of what we have read or a wrong understanding.

(2) As the points above indicate, what we must do is find the central truth or God's eternal principle in any passage we are studying. The words used to form the context are the media for giving us that truth. Unsupportable doctrines and practices are often formed from the setting in which the truth is couched or in peripherals of the truth, or first century practices are turned into rules for practice today. Women keeping silent in some churches and being obedient to their husbands, as Paul instructed, were not central truths of scripture, but practices that would keep the church and Christianity from being unnecessarily "discredited" in the first century's culture (Titus 2:5). So the central, eternal truth is: Do not (in any century) unnecessarily engage in practices that would alienate unbelievers. Compare slavery. It is evil, but in the first century Paul wanted slaves to obey their masters "so that in every way they [slaves] will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive" (Titus 2:10).

(3) Nothing should ever be taken out of its whole context. Dr. Dana says, "No single sentence or verse should ever be interpreted independent of its logical connections. Interpretation should deal with whole sections, each section being considered from two angles: its connection with... and its contribution to the general progress of thought."A-2 If we ignore the context, for example, then couples would not marry unless one of them "burned with lust," then it would be OK to marry so the lust could be satisfied in a legal way (I Cor. 7:9)! And that is as ridiculous and repulsive as many of the ways "proof-texts" have had cults built around them. Paul thought Christ would return very shortly, so he was saying that since marriage would last for such a brief period, it was just better, if you were single, to stay as you were. When the time came that it was no longer so certain that couples would have only a brief time for marriage, Paul's (scriptural) admonition was no longer considered applicable. It was not an eternal rule; it was for the conditions described in the context.

(4) A single passage should be interpreted in the light of the Bible as a whole. Peter said that if we believe and are baptized for the remission of our sins, we shall be saved (Acts 2:38). This says rather clearly that faith and baptism are the way to salvation. Baptists don't believe he meant literally what the words say, for we know from the whole New Testament that baptism in itself has nothing to do with salvation. So now we know what he really meant and didn't mean.

(5) The Bible is not a rule book. Grievous errors are made by those who believe it is. The Bible is a record that gives us a revelation of God by the writers' having recorded their experiences with God, things that happened in the first and preceding centuries. I regret it now, but I'm sure I have said it a thousand times--you've heard me--"Jesus commanded us to do" so and so. Louise, I lied--well, it was at least misleading and careless of me. Jesus didn't command my hearers or me to do anything; We weren't there. But I contributed to the mistaken idea that any statement found in the Bible is a rule for us to follow today. What we need to do is find the eternal, central truth behind the "rules" and apply that truth to our 21st century circumstances. Many rules are eternal, but that is because of the eternal truth in them, and it is that truth we follow, not the rule that contained it. For example, Jesus didn't command me to go into all the world; I wasn't in the group that heard him that day. But when I read the record of that event, I understand God's plan and that if I want to do God's will in my age, I must do all I can to go into all the world, not because that is a rule to follow as a child follows a parent's rule, but because it is my mature understanding of God's plan and my place in it. We follow the fundamental truth, not a first century rule. If the Bible is a rule book, we should stone to death anyone who eats a cheeseburger (see below)!

Jesus and Paul made it clear that the rule of law was in the past and now we live by grace and the spirit, not the letter of the law. The Christian Jews stopped observing the Sabbath and worshipped on Sunday; one of the Ten Commandments was no longer a commandment for them! God himself told Peter that the laws regarding what food is clean and the law about not associating with Gentiles were no longer in effect (Acts 10:13-15). One reason the Jewish leaders hated Christ so much was his constant violation of the Sabbath laws. Jesus condemned the Pharisees for following the letter of the law in tithing every little thing but having "neglected the weightier matters of the law, justice and mercy and faith" (Matt. 23:23). Paul has lengthy discussions about the laws of circumcision being useless to the Christian. This is his strong word about trying to obey law: "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand fast therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." (Gal: 5:1) Instead, he says, we live by "faith working through love" (v. 6). Rom. 6:4 tells us we are "not under the law but under grace," and Rom. 1:14 that "Christ is the end of the law," and II Cor. 3:6 that "The letter kills, the spirit gives life," and Gal. 5:14 that "The whole law is fulfilled in one word, `You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Legalism has no place in Christian living today, but much of it is already in our churches and it should be rooted out. Actually, the "law" of the spirit is the broader law. Consider how Jesus so greatly broadened the law against adultery. Now we see it is not only a lustful act but also a matter of a man's thinking of a woman as a sex object rather than as a person (Matt. 5:28). Our wonderful Bible is a revelation of God through records of God's experience with people of some centuries ago. It is not a book of rules for our lives today to be imposed on us from the outside; it is a book of spiritual principles from which we build our lives from the inside out. It is not a rule book.

(6) How do we move from the first century Bible to today? We have talked about principles, but applying the principles is not always easy. The Bible has nothing to say about much that we encounter in the twenty-first century, for example, innate homosexuality.

To begin with, we remember that we have the Holy Spirit promised to us for this task; we must always ponder the text and/or the subject in the posture of prayer to the Holy Spirit for guidance.

Because the Bible does not speak of many things we encounter today and yet we believe God wants to lead us in our decisions today, we realize that revelation did not end when the Bible was completed but is "living," "dynamic," meaning that each age or circumstance has new revelation for the new challenges. All our spiritual growth through learning more about God means the Holy Spirit has given us a new revelation.

Bible commentators still follow John Wesley's pattern for finding God's new revelation for the current time: consider (a) scripture, (b) tradition--how Christian churches have interpreted and applied scripture through history, (c) reason--Wesley thought religion and reason went together, that any irrational religion was false religion, and (d) experience--what produces Christlikeness in individual lives.

Then there is the final test. Christ is the perfect revelation of God, and he is the final and supreme criterion by which our concepts are to be judged and shaped. The principles he taught and exemplified as unchanging and eternal have to be met by our conclusions about the Bible's message for our lives. Commentators agree, "We must constantly hold the interpretations...up against the person of Christ, who is the final criterion for valid understanding."A-3 Our (1963) Baptist Faith and Message Statement says, "The criterion by which the Bible is to be interpreted is Jesus Christ."

An excellent example for seeing this "living" revelation is in our concept of slavery. The Bible supports slavery, mentioning it frequently with acceptance. Philemon was not told to free Onesimus. Slaves are repeatedly told to obey their masters (Eph. 6:5, Col. 3:22, I Tim. 6:1, Titus 2:9). Our revelation today is that in order to be Christian we must ignore the Bible's approval of slavery. We also know that we have to ignore tradition, for our churches supported slavery, at least in the South, until it was finally destroyed by a great civil war. By our reason/wisdom and our personal experience of seeing right and wrong and being a part of it, we came to recognize that the spirit and principles of Christ are found in the abolition of slavery. Most of us now recognize the same about segregation, but it took a civil war and congressional laws in this century to bring about the reason and experience to make us see the Christian truth about slavery and segregation. How sad! Why didn't our churches destroy slavery before it ever started in America? And why didn't our churches do away with segregation long ago? And where are our churches' blind spots today? (I am convinced that they include homosexuality and sexism.)

Another example of "living" revelation is in divorce, for our current beliefs go against Jesus' clear statement (Matt. 5:32, 19:9; Mark 10:11,12) that divorce and remarriage after divorce are adulterous. With this condemnation by Jesus, why do we sanction divorce and remarriage today? Conservative ethics professor Stanley Grenz summarizes the thinking of most scholars:

Situations arise in which God's ideal for marriage is being effaced and human failure and sin are causing great suffering.... At this stage, the principle of God's compassionate concern for the persons involved, God's intent to establish shalom (peace) or human wholeness, must take precedence over the concern to maintain the inviolability of marriage.... The church, as the redemptive community [has the] opportunity to model the compassion of the God of new beginnings.A-4

We believe God blesses and uses many of those remarriages as he could never use the original marriage. I think many Bible principles go into our current belief about divorce and remarriage: love, forgiveness, the ideal of freedom for every individual, the value of God-given talents and the responsibility to develop and use them, etc. Psychological principles also are involved, which, if true, are God-given.

(Some would accept divorced people in the church but never ordain them. Dr. Grenz has an applicable word about this.

The past of every believer is marred by sin and failure. There are no righteous ones in the church. The disqualification of a believer from an office solely because a divorce is found in that person's past elevates this one expression of sin and failure to a status of sinfulness beyond all others....The texts that set down guidelines for the selection of officers focus on three basic prerequisites - giftedness for leadership, spirituality and character, and public reputation (e.g., I Tim. 3:1-13)....These criteria give central emphasis to the importance of one's present life of faith.A-5)

By our thinking about slavery and divorce are we ignoring the Bible? No, we are searching for its eternal principles and the best understanding we can have of Jesus Christ. This incredible, priceless Bible is not God's final revelation. Christ with his life and principles is the authentic revelation to be applied to every new age. Just as the Old Testament and its laws were reinterpreted by the New Testament, so the New Testament's applications to the first century are reinterpreted by Christ and his principles in the centuries after the New Testament.

The relative importance of the Bible to the life of Christ is indicated when we realize that those Christians who were said to have turned the world upside down for Christ in the first century (Acts 17:6) did not have a New Testament; it had not been written. They had only (!) a life-transforming experience with Jesus Christ and were living like him to the best of their understanding of him. (Do you suppose if we didn't have a New Testament to wrangle over and had only such an experience with Jesus Christ that we would do better at turning our world upside down for him?) Surely we can see that the important thing is to weigh every understanding of revelation--scripture, tradition, reason or experience--in the scales of Jesus Christ.

Interpreting scripture is surely one of the most glorious and rewarding privileges we have. It is worth making every effort we can to learn what eternal principles God was trying to give for all ages when he inspired writers long ago to write to their contemporaries.

Louise, let me preach a moment about a related evil. Failure to observe these principles of interpretation is so sad and damaging to the Kingdom not only regarding homosexuality but also regarding the ordination of women. The kingdom of God is denied the ministry of great women who have gifts for preaching the Word in a world that needs the Word preached every way possible. I am sure Satan laughs; he doesn't have to do a thing; he just lets God's church keep half of its members from preaching and ministering as pastors.

Those who so restrict women make the great and far-reaching mistake of ignoring the first century's culture [(1)(b) above]. The eastern half of the Roman empire had been infused with Greek culture following the conquests of Alexander the Great. Here women could not be in public without their husbands and should never speak with another man; the only woman who did talk with a man in public would be the man`s paramour. Paul told the Christian women in this culture to submit to their husbands and not to talk in church, or they, presumed by unbelievers to be immoral, would make a Christian church appear to be a brothel. Every such injunction for obedience and silence was to a church in this culture. In the western half of the empire (and in Roman colonies in the eastern half), Roman culture prevailed; women had legal rights, could operate their own businesses and could converse freely with anyone in public without being considered a prostitute. Paul rejoiced that the women in the churches in this culture contributed so much to spreading the gospel. In Romans 16 he speaks of several, calling Phoebe a deacon (using the same word he uses elsewhere for men) and saying that Junia is "prominent among the apostles.". He tells of Pricilla's "expounding" the truths of Christianity to a man (Acts 18:26) and of two women in Philippi (a Roman colony) who labored alongside men in helping him in his work (Phil. 4:2-3). It is significant (and disheartening) that even in the Greek culture, since the church did understand that in Christ there is neither male nor female (Gal. 3:28), women could pray and prophesy (often meaning "preaching") for that was not conversing with men, and so they were not considered immoral characters when they did this (e.g., I Cor. 11:4; Acts 21:9)!

The failure to ordain women in our culture is unbiblical, and it is hindering the kingdom of God. The humble following of basic principles of interpretation would eliminate this evil.A-6

In our treatment of homosexuals and women are two great mistakes from misinterpretation of the Bible. How many minor ones are there in our churches and in our individual lives?

APPENDIX B
THE BIBLE AND HOMOSEXUALITY

As stated above, until 1869 there was no written idea of homosexuality being an innate part of one's nature. Until that time it was believed that all people were heterosexual, but some were so perverted that they engaged in same-gender sex. When the Bible writers talked on this subject, within their culture and understanding, that is what they were talking about--that kind of heterosexuality.

Nevertheless, there are Bible passages used by some people today to condemn homosexuals. I want to discuss each passage in some detail to show that not only is there no statement about homosexuality, but also that there is no statement applicable to homosexual sex if that sex is not lustful. Many authors write on this subject, and I am indebted to many of them.

THE OLD TESTAMENT

Genesis 1-2, The Creation Story

Critics of homosexuality enjoy saying, "The creation story is about Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Those who say that marriage can be only between a man and a woman argue that God's creation of Adam and Eve as heterosexuals shows that this is what he intended all persons to be; anything else is outside His will and therefore sinful. Dr. Gomes responds,

[As] Jeffrey S. Siker has pointed out in the July 1994 issue of Theology Today, to argue that the creation story privileges a heterosexual view of the relations between humankind is to make one of the weakest arguments possible, the argument from silence....It does not mention friendship, for example, and yet we do not assume that friendship is condemned or abnormal. It does not mention the single state, and yet we know that singleness is not condemned, and that in certain religious circumstances it is held in very high esteem. The creation story is not, after all, a paradigm about marriage, but rather about the establishment of human society.B-1

One can read anything one wants to into the creation story but cannot read anything about homosexuality out of it.

Genesis 18:20 to 19:29--The Sodom Story

Some consider the sin of Sodom to be same-gender sex, although we are not told in Genesis what Sodom's sins were, only that they were so great that God determined to destroy the city. On the evening before its destruction he sent two angels, in disguise as men, to the city to lead Lot and his family out early the next day. Hospitable Lot invited them to spend the night at his house. During the evening the men of the city surrounded the house and demanded of Lot that he bring the two men out so that they could [19:5]

King James Version: "know them."

Revised Standard Version: "know them."

New International Version: "have sex with them."

When Lot refused to bring his guests out, the men of the city were about to break his door down when the angels struck them all blind and the mob dispersed. The next day Lot and his family were led out of Sodom, and the city was destroyed by fire and brimstone from heaven.

The Hebrew verb used here, "yadha," "to know," is used 943 times in the OT and only ten times clearly to mean "have sex," then it always means heterosexual sex. The word normally used for homosexual sex is "shakhabh." Many scholars believe that in Gen. 19:5 yadha means "know" in the sense of "get acquainted with" (the city's men may have wondered if these were enemy spies or they might have sensed the city's impending doom and been concerned with what these strangers were doing there) and have several arguments for this, including Sodom's being used as an example of great sin numerous times in the Old and New Testaments with nothing ever said about same-sex sex, and the context of Jesus' references to Sodom (Luke 10:10-13) which seems to imply lack of hospitality as the sin.

Other scholars think it was the common practice of showing dominance over and humiliating outsiders by forcing them to take the part of a (an inferior) woman in a same-gender rape.

Others think it means "have sex," and point to Lot's offering his two virgin daughters to the crowd if sex is what they want, if they will just leave his guests alone. If this is the right interpretation, it is clearly about violent, criminal, gang rape, something always condemnable.

Another thought is expressed by Religion Professor David L. Bartlett: "This story is certainly an unlikely starting point for a `biblical' understanding of sexual ethics. While the attempted homosexual rape by the men of Sodom is explicitly condemned, the offer by Lot to hand his two virgin daughters over to the violent and lecherous inhabitants of Sodom is related without a word of judgment."

Conservative theologian Richard Hays says, "The notorious story of Sodom and Gomorrah--often cited in connection with homosexuality--is actually irrelevant to the topic."

There is nothing in this story applicable to our consideration of homosexuality.

Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13

Revised Standard Version:

22 You shall not lie with a male as with a woman, it is an abomination.

13 If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death...

The King James and New International versions say virtually the same thing.

Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 are the only direct references to same-gender sex in the Old Testament. They are both part of the Old Testament Holiness Code, a religious, not a moral code; it later became the Jewish Purity Laws. ["Abomination" is used throughout the Old Testament to designate sins that involve ethnic contamination or idolatry. The word relates to the failure to worship God or to worshiping a false god; it does not relate to morality.] Professor Soards tell us, "Old Testament experts view the regulations of Leviticus as standards of holiness, directives for the formation of community life, aimed at establishing and maintaining a people's identity in relation to God."B-4 This is because God was so determined that his people would not adopt the practices of the Baal worshipers in Canaan, and same-gender sex was part of Baal worship. (The laws say nothing about women engaging in same-gender sex; probably this had to do with man's dominance, and such acts by the subservient had nothing to do with religious impurity.)

God required purity for his worship. Anything pure was unadulterated, unmixed with anything else These Purity Laws prohibited mixing different threads in one garment, sowing a field with two kinds of seed, crossbreeding animals. A few years ago in Israel when an orthodox government came into power, McDonalds had to stop selling cheeseburgers. Hamburgers, OK. Cheese sandwiches, OK. But mixing milk and meat in one sandwich violated the Purity Laws--it had nothing to do with morality. These were laws about worshipping God, not ethics, and so have no bearing on our discussion of morality. Helmut Thielicke remarks on these passages: "It would never occur to anyone to wrench these laws of cultic purification from their concrete situation and give them the kind of normative authority that the Decalogue, for example, has."

Another reason they are not pertinent to our discussion is that these laws were for the particular time and circumstances existing when they were given. If you planted a fruit tree, you could not eat its fruit until its fifth year, and all fruit the fourth year must be offered to the Lord. A worker must be paid his wage on the day of his labor. You must not harvest a field to its edge. We readily dismiss most of them as not applicable to our day and culture, and if we dismiss some of them for any reason, we have to dismiss all of them, including the sexual regulations, for that same reason.

When we add the fact that these laws were talking about heterosexuals, it makes three reasons, any one of which would be sufficient, why they have no bearing on questions about homosexuals or homosexuality or on the morality of same-gender sex by homosexuals today.

THE NEW TESTAMENT

In the New Testament there are three passages to consider.

Romans 1:21, 26, 27

Revised Standard Version

21 for although they knew God they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him...

26 For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. Their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural, 27 and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men...

The King James and New International versions say virtually the same thing.

Romans 1:26 and 27 clearly speak of same-gender sex by both men and women, the only passage in the New Testament that does so. Rom. 1:18-32 speaks of Gentiles (heterosexuals) who could and should have known and served and given thanks to God but would not, so God gave them up and let them do whatever they wanted to do, and that resulted in degrading and shameful acts, including same-gender sex. It is almost a moot point, but Paul is not listing sins for which God will condemn anyone, he is listing sins that occur because people have forsaken Him. These are acts committed by those who have turned away from God and so become "consumed with passion." All of us recognize that those who forsake God and give themselves over to lustful living--homosexual or heterosexual--stand condemned by the Bible. This passage is talking about people who chose to forsake God.

Conservative theologian Richard Hays says, "No direct appeal to Romans 1 as a source of rules about sexual conduct is possible."

I Corinthians 6:9

King James Version:

9...Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate [malakoi], nor abusers of themselves with mankind [arsenokoitai], 10 Nor thieves..., shall inherit the kingdom of God.

New International Version

9...Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes [malakoi] nor homosexual offenders [arsenokoitai] 10 nor thieves...will inherit the kingdom of God.

Revised Standard Version--1952 edition:

9...Do not be deceived; neither the immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals [malakoi and arsenokoitai], 10 nor thieves..., will inherit the kingdom of God.

Revised Standard Version--1971 edition:

9...Do not be deceived; neither the immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor sexual perverts [malakoi and arsenokoitai], 10 nor thieves..., will inherit the kingdom of God.

A comparison of how the two Greek words are translated in the different versions shows that translations often, unfortunately, become the interpretations of the translators. In I Cor. 6:9 Paul lists the types of persons who will be excluded from the kingdom of God and for some he uses the Greek words malakoi and arsenokoitai. KJ translates the first "effeminate," a word that has no necessary connection with homosexuals. The NIV translates the first "male prostitutes" and the second, "homosexual offenders". The RSV in its first edition of 1952 translated both words by the single term, "homosexuals". In the revised RSV of 1971, the translation "homosexuals" is discarded and the two Greek words are translated as "sexual perverts"; obviously the translators had concluded the earlier translation was not supportable.

Malakoi literally means "soft" and is translated that way by both KJ and RSV in Matt. 11:8 and Luke 7:25. When it is used in moral contexts in Greek writings it has the meaning of morally weak; a related word, malakia, when used in moral contexts, means dissolute and occasionally refers to sexual activity but never to homosexual acts. There are at least five Greek words that specifically mean people who practice same-gender sex. Unquestionably, if Paul had meant such people, he would not have used a word that is never used to mean that in Greek writings when he had other words that were clear in that meaning. He must have meant what the word commonly means in moral contexts, "morally weak." There is no justification, most scholars agree, for translating it "homosexuals."

Arsenokoitai, is not found in any extant Greek writings until the second century when it apparently means "pederast", a corrupter of boys, and the sixth century when it is used for husbands practicing anal intercourse with their wives. Again, if Paul meant people practicing same-gender sex, why didn't he use one of the common words? Some scholars think probably the second century use might come closest to Paul's intention. If so, there is no justification for translating the word as "homosexuals." Other scholars see a connection with Greek words used to refer to same-gender sex in Leviticus. If so, it is speaking of heterosexuals given to such lust they turn to such acts.

Richard Hays tells us, "I Corinthians 6:9-11 states no rule to govern the conduct of Christians."

One commentator has another reason for rejecting the NIV and original RSV translations, "homosexuals." Today it could mean that a person who is homosexual in orientation even though "of irreproachable morals, is automatically branded as unrighteous and excluded from the kingdom of God, just as if he were the most depraved of sexual perverts."B-8

So I Cor. 6:9 says nothing about homosexuality with the possible exception of condemnable pederasty.

I Tim. 1:10

King James Version:

9...the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners,...10...for them that defile themselves with mankind (arsenokoitai)...

Revised Standard Version - both 1952 and 1971 editions:

9...the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for 10 immoral persons, sodomites (arsenokoitai),...

New International Version:

9...the law is not made for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful...10 for adulterers and perverts (arsenokoitai)

Here only the RSV specifically refers to same-gender sex, using the term "sodomites," which is the translation given in both the Old Testament and New Testament to Hebrew and Greek words for male temple prostitutes. The KJV probably has the same thought. The NIV does not necessarily refer to same-gender sex. Again Paul has used the Greek word arsenokoitai, the word in I Cor. 6:9.

As discussed above, this word would have no reference to homosexuality or homosexual sex in our discussion.

So like the other two New Testament passages, I Tim. 1:10 says nothing about homosexuality or homosexuals and nothing about same-gender sex unless that of temple prostitutes or possibly the molestation of young boys by heterosexuals.

In view of the facts set forth above, we realize there is no moral teaching in the Bible about homosexuality as we know it, including homosexual sex (except possibly pederasty). The Bible cannot be used to condemn as immoral all same-gender sex. It clearly condemns lust, whether homosexual or heterosexual. There is certainly nothing in the Bible about anyone going to hell because he or she is homosexual. All who go to hell will go for the same, one reason: failure to commit their lives in faith to Jesus Christ as their lord and savior.

From a slightly different approach to interpretation, Dr. Robin Scroggs states, "The basic model in today's Christian homosexual community is so different from the model attacked by the New Testament that the criterion of reasonable similarity of context is not met. The conclusion I have to draw seems inevitable: Biblical judgments against homosexuality are not relevant to today's debate." [Italics his]

Dr. Gomes concludes his discussion of homosexuality and the Bible with these words:

The Biblical writers never contemplated a form of homosexuality in which loving, monogamous, and faithful persons sought to live out the implications of the gospel with as much fidelity to it as any heterosexual believer. All they knew of homosexuality was prostitution, pederasty, lasciviousness, and exploitation. These vices, as we know, are not unknown among heterosexuals, and to define contemporary homosexuals only in these terms is a cultural slander of the highest order, reflecting not so much prejudice, which it surely does, but what the Roman Catholic Church calls "invincible ignorance," which all of the Christian piety and charity in the world can do little to conceal. The "problem," of course, is not the Bible, it is the Christians who read it.

APPENDIX C
The Three Sins

When we say to homosexuals, "We love the sinner but hate the sin; go clean up your act and then we will welcome you," what they hear us say is, "you" are sinners and "we" are not. Since we know that everyone is a sinner, what do we mean? "You are great sinners and we are little sinners"? Or possibly, "Well, everyone knows what your great sins are, but ours are hidden from other people"? This is all ridiculous, but isn't it easy to see why gays and lesbians hate this statement? I believe many of our church members (heterosexuals) honestly think that same-gender sex is a worse sin than any they commit, so much worse that homosexuals cannot be welcomed into our churches, or if welcomed to visit, never affirmed in their homosexuality. Can we be sure that such a judgment of same-gender sex, even that of loving, committed couples, is right?

It seems to me that Ezekiel 16:49 sums up clearly the Bible's categories of sin. It says, "The sins of Sodom were..." Sodom, destroyed for its sinfulness with fire and brimstone from heaven (Gen. 19:24), is mentioned throughout the Bible as an example of sin at its worst. So Ezekiel's statement should be most instructive to us. Ezekiel names three types of sin attributable to the people of Sodom.

First named is pride and its companion, haughtiness. We didn't expect that; this isn't one of the terrible, unspeakable things that criminals and perverts do. That's right, Ezekiel first names the sin of the spirit. Now we recall that the sins of the spirit were the sins for which Jesus so condemned the Pharisees. The Pharisees were the "back to the Bible" people of Jesus' day, organized originally for just that purpose. They went regularly to worship services, they knew their Bible thoroughly and they tithed faithfully; how can fault be found with them? But Jesus knew their pride and hypocrisy and said such was a great sin, so great they could not get into his kingdom because of it. It was their sins of the spirit that condemned these people who otherwise were so exemplary.

The problem about sins of the spirit is that for most of us we are not conscious of them. We go to church and study the Bible and give to the church; we must be pretty good people, But if, like the Pharisees, we are not conscious of our sins of the spirit, then maybe we are like the Pharisees. Religious editor Marv Knox recently wrote that "insidious enemies--such as greed, apathy, self-interest and hate--...threaten us all."C-1--all sins of the spirit. And the list could go on. We all know that we are not free of the sins of the spirit. They must be great sins for Jesus to condemn them so - our great sins.

Ezekiel then says that the people of Sodom had been blessed with abundance, but they did not help the poor and needy. This is a sin of omission. Are we guilty? Maybe we are not sure because, as with our sins of the spirit, we are not really conscious of our sins of omission. But shouldn't we think about how much we have failed to be what God made our potential to be and how much we have left undone and how indifferent we have been to the needs of others when the Lord expected us to help?

I ponder this one sin of omission that Ezekiel speaks of here and have a feeling of great guilt, for both the Old and New Testaments have so very much to say about helping the poor, but my hands have never been dirtied by working with or for the poor, Should most of our church members feel the same way? But partly it's not their fault; we preachers have not preached and taught about this responsibility God expects us to take. So the sin of us preachers is multiplied in this, our sin of omission. And this is only one sin of omission. When we add all the others...I often think that surely our sins of omission must be our greatest sins. Or do I think that because I am so unconscious of my sins of the spirit? I don't know, but I am certain that our sins of omission are very great.

Finally Ezekiel says of the people of Sodom that they committed other abominations. These are the sins of commission. These we are more conscious of, but we probably still think that we are such good people, we don't commit many of them. I read of a woman who said she had not sinned for 43 days. Incredible, almost, that someone could have that concept of what sin is. But then, is that pretty close to the concept of many church members? Why did our Lord give us a model prayer that could be prayed every day and that included "Forgive our sins."?

If homosexual sex is sin, it is the sin of commission. This was the third sin Ezekiel mentioned. The three sins may not have been given in order of their evil, but wouldn't you expect him to name the worst first? If they were in such order, then the sin of commission is not as great as the others, and the sexual sin would not be as great as our sins of the spirit and of omission. But whether our sins of commission are small or great, are we not all such great sinners in God's sight that we cannot possibly point a finger at anyone else and say "Sinner"? Is this why Jesus said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged" (Matt. 7:1)? When we have done--no, even if we could possibly do--all that Jesus commanded, can we say anything except, "We are unprofitable servants" (Luke 17:10)?

Welcoming gays and lesbians and affirming them in our church fellowship is not going soft on sin. Just the opposite. It is recognizing that we are all such great sinners in God's sight that we can never judge another's sins as worse than our sins. If we, sinners as we are, can be part of the fellowship of the church, then homosexuals, if they are considered sinners, can also be part of the fellowship. The criteria for their being welcomed is in their love for the Lord, their desire to worship and serve him and to have fellowship with us.

Philip Yancy in his splendid little book, What's So Amazing about Grace?, tells of the prostitute who was so sick of her life that she went to a counselor for help. In the course of their session the counselor asked her if she had thought about going to church. She was appalled at the thought. "Of course not," she said. "I feel bad enough about myself now; how would I feel among those people?" Then Yancy notes that when Jesus was on earth, prostitutes and such sinners were attracted to him. The Pharisees criticized him harshly for that very thing. And Yancy wonders why church people today, Christians who are supposed to be little Christs, repel instead of attract these people. Perhaps our churches are wont to say that we must project an image of what is right and moral in this world. Oh, so we must mean that if Jesus attracted these people, he did not project such an image. We are without defense. Until we become more Christlike, the prostitutes and homosexuals will never want to come to us. Yet, do we not realize that we cannot be less sinful than they? We are in no position to judge them.

Even Richard Hays, a conservative theologian who believes homosexuality itself is sinful, insists that gays and lesbians must be taken in and affirmed by our churches, saying, "Unless we think the church is a community of sinless perfection, we will have to acknowledge that [gays and lesbians] are welcome along with other sinners in the company of those who trust in the God who justifies the ungodly (Rom. 4:5). If they are not welcome, I will have to walk out the door along with them, leaving in the sanctuary only those entitled to cast the first stone."

Louise, how can we sinners, we great sinners, say anything to gays or lesbians or anybody who wants to worship and work with us except, "You say you love the Lord and want to serve him. We do, too. Come be a part of our fellowship of worship and study and work. We are all such sinners in God's sight we need one another and we can help and support one another. We are not here to judge one another's sins; we are here to love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ as we make our Christian pilgrimage."

REFERENCES

1-1 Helmut Thielicke, The Ethics of Sex, 283-4

1-2 APA News Release No. 98-56, December 14, 1998

1-3 Quoted by Ellen Herman, Psychiatry, Psychology, and Homosexuality, 33

2-1 Jeffrey S. Siker, "Homosexual Christians, the Bible and Gentile Inclusion: Confessions of a Repenting Heterosexist" in Jeffrey S. Siker, Ed., Homosexuality in the Church: Both Sides of the Debate, 181ff

2-2 Ibid., 187f

3-1 Herman, 57

3-2 The Dallas Morning News, October 7, 2001

5-1 Stein, Edward, The Mismeasure of Desire: The Science, Theory and Ethics of Homosexuality. 283

5-2 Brenner, Claudia with Hannah Ashley, Eight Bullets: One Woman's Story of Surviving Anti-Gay Violence

5-3 John J. McNeill, The Church and the Homosexual (Boson: Beacon Press, 1993), 163

6-1 Peter J. Gomes, The Good Book, 147

6-2 Ibid., 146

6-3 Mel White, "A Soulforce Response" in Open Hands, Vol. 14, No. 2, Fall 1998

6-4 March 15, 1998.

6-5 Michael Nava and Robert Dawidoff, Created Equal: Why Gay Rights Matter to, 100

6-6 The Vatican's official position condemns homosexuality as an "objective moral disorder", and a 1992 Vatican statement called discrimination against gays "not unjust." The Baptist Faith and Message statement adopted by the Southern Baptist Convention in 2000, in Article XV, equates "homosexuality" with "sexual immorality." A 1992 SBC Executive Committee resolution stated: "God regards homosexuality as a gross perversion and unquestioned sin." In 1995 SBC amended its constitution for the first time in its 150-year history to bar from membership any church that would "affirm, approve, or endorse homosexual behavior."

6-7 Paul Duke, "Homosexuality and the Church" in Robert M. Baird and Katherine Baird, Homosexuality: Debating the Issues, 231f

7-1 Psychology Today, Vol. 8, No. 10 (March 1973), 27-33

7-2 Thielicke, 227f

7-3 C. G. Jung, The Collected Works, vol. 9, pt. 1, 58-59

7-4 McNeill, 143

7-5 Myers, David, "Sexual Orientation and Science" in LeDayne McLeese Polanski and Millard Eiland, Eds., Rightly Dividing the Word of Truth, The Alliance of Baptists and Baptist Peace Fellowship of North America, 172

8-1 Kathy Rudy, Sex and the Church (Boston: Beacon Press, 1997), 108

8-2 James B. Nelson, "Sources for Body Theology: Homosexuality as a Test Case" in Jeffrey S. Siker, Ed., Homosexuality in the Church: Both Sides of the Debate, 81

8-3 McNeill, 204

8-4 Ibid., 103

8-5 Ibid., 165, 204

8-6 Thielicke, 271

8-7 McNeil, 102

8-8 William Barclay, A Spiritual Autobiography, 115

8-9 John J. McNeill, Taking a Chance on, 38

8-10 Quoted in Letha Scanzoni and Virginia Mollenkott, Is the Homosexual My Neighbor? 130

8-11 Alastair Huron, ed., Toward a Quaker View of Sex

8-12 Michael Nava and Robert Dawidoff, Created Equal: Why Gay Rights Matter to America, 120, 147

8-13 Stanton Jones and Don E. Workman, "Homosexuality: The Behavioral Sciences and the Church" in Siker, 97
9-1 Quoted in Scanzoni and Mollenkott, 120, 121

9-2 Nava and Dawidoff, 145

9-3 Quoted in Scanzoni and Mollenkott, 129

9-4 Quoted in Scanzoni and Mollenkott, 132 from Nelson, "Homosexuality and the Church," Christianity and Crisis 37 (April 4, 1977), 63-69

9-5 Editorial, H. Darrell Lance, The Inspiriter, Winter/Spring 2000

9-6 Nancy Toder, "Lesbian Couples in Particular" in Betty Berzon, Positively Gay, 62

9-7 Berzon, 62f

9-8 Ralph Wedgwood, "Society Should Allow Same-Sex Marriage" in Mary E. Williams, Ed., Homosexuality: Opposing Viewpoints, 168

9-9 Virginia Ramey Mollenkott, "Overcoming Heterosexism - To Benefit Everyone" in Jeffrey S. Siker, 148
10-1 Tex R. Sample, "Should Gays and Lesbians Be Ordained?" in Caught in the Crossfire, by Sally B Geis and Donald E. Messer, Eds., 127-129

10-2 Quoted in Scanzoni and Mollenkott, 132 from Nelson, "Homosexuality and the Church," Christianity and Crisis 37 (April 4, 1977), 63-69

10-3 Stanley J. Grenz, Sexual Ethics: An Evangelical Perspective, 144

10-4 Richard Hays, The Moral Vision of the New Testament, 104

A-1 H. E. Dana, Searching the Scriptures: A Handbook of New Testament Hermeneutics, 178, 224

A-2 Ibid., 235

A-3 Hays, Richard, 381

A-4 Marion L. Soards, Scripture and Homosexuality: Biblical Authority and the Church Today, 13

A-5 Stanley J. Grenz, 128, 143f

A-6 See discussion by James R. Payton, Jr., "A Tale of Two Cultures" in Priscilla Papers, Winter 2002, 13ff

B-1 Peter J. Gomes, 149

B-2 David L. Bartlett, "A Biblical Perspective on Homosexuality" in Polaski and Eiland, 27

B-3 Hays, Richard, The Moral Vision of the New Testament, p.381

B-4 Soards, Marion L, Scripture and Homosexuality: Biblical Authority and the Church Today, 57

B-5 Helmut Thielicke, 227

B-6 The Journal of Religious Ethics, Vol 14:1(1986) 206,7

B-7 Richard B. Hays, The Moral Vision of the New Testament (San Francisco: Harper, 1996) 394

B-8 Quoted in D. S. Bailey, Homosexuality and the Western Christian, 39

B-9 Robin Scroggs, New Testament and Homosexuality, 127, quoted by Shields, 127

B-10 Gomes, 162

C-1 Baptist Standard, November 13, 2000

C-2 Richard B. Hays, 400

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Abelove, Henry, Michele Aina Barale, David M. Halperin, eds., The Lesbian and Gay Studies Reader (New York: Routledge, 1993)

Baird, Robert M. and M. Katherine Baird, Homosexuality, Debating the Issues (New York: Prometheus Books, 1995)

Barclay, William. A Spiritual Autobiography (Grand Rapids: William B. Erdmans, 1975)

Berzon, Betty, Ed., Positively Gay: New Approaches to Gay and Lesbian Life (Berkley: CelestialArts, 1992)

Bieber, Irving, Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study (New York: Basic Books, 1962)

Carleton, Francis, "Contested Identity: The Law's Construction of Gay and Lesbian Subjects" in Lynn Pardie, Tracy Luchetta, Eds., The Construction of Attitudes toward Lesbians and Gay Men (New York: Hayworth, 1999)

Cory, Donald W. and John LeRoy, The Homosexual and His Society (New York: Citadel, 1963)

Cromey, Robert Warren, In God's Image: Christian Witness to the Need for Gay/Lesbian Equality in the Eyes of the Church (San Francisco: Alamo Square Press, 1991)

Dana, H. E., Searching the Scriptures: A Handbook of New Testament Hermeneutics (New Orleans: Bible Institute Memorial Press, 1936)

Duberman, Martin, A Queer World: The Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies Reader (New York: New York University Press, 1997)

Efird, James M., How to Interpret the Bible (Atlanta: John Knox Press, 1984)

Geis. Sally B. and Donald E. Messer, Eds. Caught in the Crossfire, . (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1994)

Gomes, Peter J., The Good Book: Reading the Bible with Mind and Heart (New York: William Morrow, 1996)

Grenz, Stanley J., Sexual Ethics: An Evangelical Perspective, (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1990)

Hays, Richard B., The Moral Vision of the New Testament (San Francisco: Harper, 1996)

Herman, Ellen, Psychiatry, Psychology, and Homosexuality (New York: Chelsea House Publishers, 1995)

Kimball-Jones, H., Toward a Christian Understanding of Homosexuality (New York: Association Press, 1966)

Marmor, Judd, ed., Homosexual Behavior: A Modern Reappraisal (New York: Basic Books, 1980)

McNeill, John J., The Church and the Homosexual (Boston: Beacon Press, Fourth Edition, 1993)

McNeill, John J., Taking a Chance on God (Boston: Beacon Press, 1988)

Nava, Michael and Robert Dawidoff, Created Equal: Why Gay Rights Matter to America (New York: St. Martin's Press, 1994)

Pardie, Lynn and Tracy Luchetta, Eds. The Construction of Attitudes Toward Lesbians and Gay Men (New York: Haworth)

Payton, James R., Jr., "A Tale of Two Cultures" in Priscilla Papers, Winter 2002

Polanski, LeDayne McLeese and Millard Eiland, Eds., Rightly Dividing the Word of Truth, (The Alliance of Baptists and Baptist Peace Fellowship of North America)

Rudy, Kathy, Sex and the Church (Boston: Beacon Press, 1997)

Scanzoni, Letha and Virginia Ramey Mollenkott, Is the Homosexual My Neighbor? (San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1978)

Siker, Jeffrey S., Ed., Homosexuality in the Church: Both Sides of the Debate (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1994)

Soards, Marion L, Scripture and Homosexuality: Biblical Authority and the Church Today (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1989)

Stein, Edward, The Mismeasure of Desire: The Science, Theory, and Ethics of Sexual Orientation (New York: The Oxford University Press, 1999)

Thielicke, Helmut, The Ethics of Sex (New York: Harper, 1967)

Williams, Mary E., Ed., Homosexuality: Opposing Viewpoints (San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 1999)

Wink, Walter, Homosexuality and the Christian Faith (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1999)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Bruce Lowe is a graduate of Ouachita Baptist University in Arkadelphia, Arkansas (1936) and of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas (1946). He married Anna Marie in 1944; they have two sons and two grandsons. His ministry included the chaplaincy during World War II, pastorates in Louisiana, and teaching Bible at Louisiana College, Pineville. He left the ministry in 1966 and worked until retirement in the Office for Civil Rights of the U. S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Anna Marie Lowe is a graduate of Henderson State University in Arkadelphia (1946) and attended Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. She has been the church organist or pianist in churches and missions since she was eleven.

2006-06-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

THIS SUFFERING STATE

Lord, please let us free
From this suffering state
Life was once a breeze ...
Before this suffering state

Down to my knees
and i'm losing the strength to say ...

there's got to be an end to this suffering state ...

2006-06-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

Time Is Running Out

Lord Above, please grant me more time
The pain from jagged memories been troubling my mind

I found love
But just as quick
I lost it
Falling ill
To the many miseries of LIFE ...

~

Oh, Father, please ...
I'm sorry to say
But post 911/01
I been really losing my way

All the dreams that I had treasured ...
All but gone

So many tragedies to weather
Am I that strong?
I'm still just looking for somewhere to belong ...

Humanity at-large has failed me so
Don't want to run this race that's left all alone

RUNNING OUT OF TIME I KNOW
GOT TO MAKE IT RIGHT
RUNING OUT OF CHANCES TO
ELEVATE MY LIFE
RUNNING CLOSE TO EMPTY, WITH THE SMALLEST GRAIN OF HOPE
YES, TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR ME, I KNOW

Gay In The City ...

2006-06-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

Kevin Aviance Attacked in New York
By Keith Boykin, in sexuality
Sunday, June 11 2006, 12:06 PM

Four people have been arrested in the late night homophobic attack on popular black gay singer Kevin Aviance. Aviance, whose songs have topped the Billboard dance chart, underwent surgery for a broken jaw at Beth Israel Medical Center after the attack Saturday. A group of six or seven teenagers and young men reportedly beat him and threw objects at Aviance, 38, as they yelled anti-gay epithets at him. Those arrested were charged with first-degree assault as a hate crime. They were identified as Jarell Sears and Akino George, both 20; Gregory Archie, 18; and Gerard Johnson, 16, according to published reports.

Although the attack took place in Manhattan, bystanders did not stop to help as the attackers threw objects at him, according to Aviance's publicist Len Evans. Aviance performs in drag but was "dressed like a boy" when he was attacked, Evans said. He had planned to take part in next week's Gay Pride parade and festivities, but will now be unable to perform, the publicist said.

Aviance, who I last saw in November, was heading to his Chelsea home about 1 a.m. yesterday after leaving Phoenix, a bar on East 13th Street, where he had been relaxing with friends. As he walked on East 14th Street near First Avenue, Aviance was approached by six or seven young men who shouted anti-gay slurs and threw objects at him, including a spray can that one of them had fished out of a trash bin. One of the young men punched Mr. Aviance, and the others attacked him, Evans told the New York Times.

Evans said that the men "dragged him to the curb" and threatened to kill him. "There were pedestrians everywhere. No one helped him." The attackers also stole Mr. Aviance's cell phone, Evans said. After the singer passed out, some bystanders apparently came to help him.

Aviance's song, "Din Da Da," a popular remake of a 1980s song, reached the top of the Billboard dance chart in August 1997, and another song, "Alive," was No. 1 on the chart in 2002. I've also written before about Kevin and his legendary appearances at The Roxy.

In an interview today, Clarence Patton, executive director of the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, discussed the incident in terms of trends. "What is says to us is really a couple of things. One, it is unfortunately that time of year again. This is something that we tragically see a lot of as the weather gets warmer, as we head into June, which of course means a lot more visibilty for our community."

But anti-gay hate crimes can happen anywhere, he added. " We also got a report of a similar incident in Queens Friday night," Patton said. "Not only can these things happen in Manhattan, and in the East Village even...but it can happen anywhere." Although the attack on Aviance took place in New York, Patton was quick to note that "it's not a New York problem. It's a national problem for sure, and a human problem as well. I just got back from Amsterdam and they had me talking about the fact that they've been having all these problems over there as well. This is really a problem, a condition, for our community, wherever we are."

Patton also expressed his concern for Aviance. "We definitely also send our thoughts out to Kevin who has been really an icon for the community for a long time. He has performed at benefits for our organization, and we're going to do everything we can to help him through this," Patton said. He added, " We plan to work with him, and we obviously plan to work with the police and community officials to help Kevin any way we can. And we wish him a speedy recovery."

2006-06-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

This caught my attention today ...

Montel Williams attended the annual awards gala for the Marijuana Policy Project, and the following makes me wonder, for once and for all if infact, that marijuana should be legalized. Williams delivered a very personal keynote address in which he roamed the room with a wireless microphone and talked about his own need for medical marijuana to deal with the pain associated with multiple sclerosis. Some say they have never seen him more emotional than that night. He told of how he had lost a friend in the past few days and he even cried as he shared his own ordeal of taking nearly a hundred pills a day to treat his condition. After 22 years of serving the country in the military, he said, he should not be made to feel like a criminal just because he needs a drug to keep him healthy and out of pain. What a fine point on it! It has been more of a political thing than anything else. As is the case with needle exchange programs and safe sex education, the conservative forces in government are all too willing to put irrational political concerns above the legitimate public health needs of our country. Yes, drugs can be abused, and they can weaken our systems, but let us not forget why drugs evolved in the first place, medicine can aid in healing ...

2006-06-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

I think it is election day here - AGAIN! Which goes to show just how involved I am in the political process these here days ... In ways, for the past few years I have been a man without a country.

Well, if you knew the way I felt between early and late am today, then you would surely be surprised I am at the computer at all - let alone attmepting to write! I thought maybe I was going to be nausious this morning, but so far so good.

These feelings ...aches ...discomfort ...sensations? pains? ... well, they seem a sure thing these days ...but not at all easy to describe. Some time the aches seem to be a dull to acute pulsation in my right elbow ...sometimes it is a definite ache in my left testicle (!!!) ... sometimes it a very dull lower abdominal ache, usually on the left side ... sometimes it's my right ankle ... other times it is really pronounced in the knees, threatening to be crippling ... sometimes it is all of these AT ONCE ...!!! How do I explain ...? It comes it waves ... sorta ...? I think things are further complicated by additional outside health concerns ... like acid reflux, which seems to have come back after I stopped taking ant-depressants some months ago (another STORY!) ... Over-lapping illnesses are both overwhelming and confusing.

I finally got sleep last night, after having to go a whole day with only 2 hours sleep! These are not my choices, but how things are turnng out.

Again I attempt today to make it to the hospital for the blood tests that the doctor ordered a month or more ago. The cut-off time is 3pm and that is the main problem with me getting there. My energy and speed are not what the used to be. See? There's another health thing I forget about ...I suffer from anemia AND Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when last looked at. Well, truth be known, most medical doctors do not acknowedge CFS as a legitimate thing, so this has created a big mystery around my health for a long long time now. Oh, and incase you never quite got it, I also suffer from depression ...

Body Language

2006-06-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

GLOOMY SUNDAY
It's Sunday. Sunday and Mondays seem to be my least favourite days of the week? Why? Well, things seem to go wrong for me on both days more than the rest of the week ...whether I'm working a 9 to 5 job or not. These days, well I seem to be sick alot on Sundays and Mondays too. And it rains alot ...which is something that seems to set off the pain in recent months. Today is no exception. My right elbow pulsates for a few seconds as I write this and my joints have been achy all day. I wish I knew what was going on. Do I really? Hmmmm?

It has been a really bad day, pain/discomfort-wise. Watched a lot of televison though. The old Debra Messing/Thomas Hadden-Church series Ned & Stacey which preceeded Will & Grace on NBC. You can really see just how talented an actress/comedienne she is ...! The Canadian network that was formerly known as "Prime" recently revamped their schedule and are now calling themselves "TV Tropolis" or something. Prime was kewl but now i get to see the aforemtioned short-lived sitcom plus ABC's Ellen, before she had the coming out episode or a good haircut! She's quite funny and has exceptional comedic timing though you see in the old episodes. (Later came the CBS series Ellen, which did not las as long where I believe the evergreen Cloris Leachman played Ellen's mom;neither show to be confused with the ever-popular, award-winning daytime talk-fest Ellen!) Also, I have been watching the earliest Beverly Hills 90210 shows and some Grace Under Fire, with the talented Brett Butler.

Chatting on MSN Messenger with a new black friend. Well, I just discovered that he is black, but hey, kewl. Was looking for Darien but he is not on right now. Has not been on as much lately.

OMF! Just discovered this guy is bisexual, or maybe ...!!! He HAD BEEN asking alot of gay-sex questions. Hahaha.

He wanted me to sing for him so I sing along as a Mariah Carey ballad plays on the stereo. I'm quite good today (mostly speaking, of course) but not great, due to this illness. (At one point, was it blood I tasted ...??!!!)

OMF! just learned that the guy is only 15!!!!! Like GOODBYE ...! Tak Tsk Tsk ...!

ABOUT DARIEN
Well, Darien and I ...I have forgiven Darien for past behaviour and, miracle of miracles, we have been good friends to each other for several months now!

CAMP?
I have a crush on the young actor Daniel Letterle (how YOUNG is he?!) who was in the film CAMP. For the record, i have a crush mostly on what he looks like NOW as a young man. I'm not into kids or anything like that! Damn! His bio says something about a girlfriend. LOL.

I do mourn for what I thought I had with my cousin and "so-called" bestfriend too. But he is THERE outside of Toronto and I am here in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ...

He thrives and I ...what .... die ...??!!!??

{Be sure to check out my additional blogs, Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone, Black & Blue - And Gay Too ... well, look from my main profile! Cheers!}

Only All The Time

2006-05-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here with many thoughts. I woke up not too long ago and am now, after dinner, peeping Valley of the Dolls on television and drinking a cup of instant (!) coffee. Mom is on the phone with my sister, while finally sitting down to eat her supper. What drives me mad is the fact that Mom and I are here together in the physical sense, but in many ways it is as though I were alone here. She is consumed with "all the things she has to do" and does not take time to be company anymore. I know things are hard for her and maybe more is going on with her mind than we know. I want to have a better relationship with her but it takes to to "tango". Mom does not seem to be able to do her part and that brings a profound sadness to the whole affair.

It is hard to concentrate because when Mom is on the phone, it's all about the phone, especially when she is on with my sister. Of course I cannot mention too much about my sister because Mom likes to accuse all of us of sibling rivalry. Actually, "jealously" is one of the concepts she also loves throwing around ... For instance, if she says something about my great cousin the lawyer, who used to be my best friend but was not willing to help me at all when my life was falling apart, if I make a comment about him that is not a warm fuzzy thing, I am accused of being jealous. Similarly, if I make a comment about that obvious American Idol program which I DO'NT watch on the regular, it always comes back to "you're jealous" because of my background as a singer/songwriter who was never discovered by the masses, or signed to a recording contract of any kind. I MUST be jealous for having an opinion. Whatever ...!

DIARRHEA DILEMMA
Mom has moved back to the kitchen now. Maybe she is telling my sister something that she does not want me to know. It has happened before. Maybe she simply left the room because I had mentioned I could hear every word she was saying, especially when she brought up my name in regards to the Ex-Lax incident when I was a young boy!

Just had a blow up with Mom! Lovely! - NOT!

Okay. She has had the table full of receipts and invoices for about a week and a half now, maybe longer. Since the top of this week, the bed in the bedroom has been covered with the same, in the name of clearing off her drawer. Mom can spend a whole day at the kitchen table, moving little of the documents. This would frustrate me greatly. Like my piles books and magazines and such at home. Depressing ...

I just went to the kitchen table in hopes of clearing it off and managed to collect and file the various money order receipts in a Ziploc baggie. But I had to give up with Mom standing next to me and not really paying attention as I asked what she was keeping certain items for ... As I was going back to the living room she muttered something, as she often does. Something about "patience" one of her favourite themes. She loves to say that I have "no patience" which is not true, though it might have been when I was much younger. I mentioned that the reason I cannot help her in her filing mess does not have to do with a lack of patience, as I used to train/teach people when I was working in Toronto ... This is when she turned her head, snickered or laughed me off in that quiet, really really rude way ... Something one wouldn't expect from a relative, let alone a mother. You see, I am the family failure, I gather. Where as maybe once, while "successful" in the arts and publishing fields in Toronto, I was either not discussed at all or, slightly possible, spoken of with pride. Hmmm? I do wonder .... Regardless, at this time, Mom is adamant that I cannot/should not talk about my past, but do something NOW, as if it had to be down to one or the other. Whenever I mention what I used to do in my work, when I was working 9 to 5, 5 days a week, her voice lowers, she sucks her teeth, in classic black folk fashion, and begins to make me feel 2 cms tall ... Like everything I have done in my past, my accomplishments and such, were all a dream. Something I am not to discuss here in the present. If I am not doing these things now, than I am not worthy enough, not allowed to mention past achievements, not allowed to have a past ...

My skills developed, if not used in the NOW are not OK to be brought up in convcersation. Sadly, I was trying to use my skills to help Mom, but in her version of the world I am a lazy person without merit.

A Million To One ("Something Within Me")

2006-05-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

Can I turn this shit around? Will I be given the opportunity by God or the Forces of the Universe to make another go of it? Hmmmmm?

Lord, I do hope so. But for now, it feels like I am dying ...

Actually, honestly, tonight ....it feels more like i'm being tickled from the inside. On my right side ...my leg and up my arm ... That's a symptom of this morphing illness! I'm not in pain right now, it just feels that something alive is inside of my body. Which of course, is very STRANGE indeed.

I did just manage to get some excercise in, minimalistically speaking, of course. But, it's good to do SOMETHING when the boness are not aching and threatening to crack. Do I have Ostio- something or another? Lord, I hope I don't!

About to have an herbal tea. It is in the wee small hours and I have yet to watch my recorded programs of the day!

I am enjoying this Break in The Weather, however brief it may turn out to be.

Take Away The Pain Stain

2006-05-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

It is 12 mindnight. Still at Mom's. Mom is still at her bestfriend, Jessica's 60th birthday bash. I have had the television on mute for hours now and have been blogging away, here and there. I've even peeped on some stangers' blogs. And the things people are blogging ...!!!

Just started a XXX Adult-specific Blog also, for fantasies and erotica writing. Anybody looking for BLACK FolkSoul ... That's where it's been re-posted. It did not really fit in here with my regular blog.

The day today started off, foggy, misty, but then sort'a mild. It has been raining for a couple hours now. Mom gave me some of the "stronger" painkillers she just got yesterday, before leaving. Tylenol #1 ... Are THEY stronger infact than the acetominophen I have been taking?

But Not For Me

2006-05-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I am not at all feeling well, still. I am trying to decide today if I will go home or if I shall stay a few more days at mom's. I should probably go home. But, in a way, I am afraid of that. I am so tired and strange feeling. Never got to getting those blood tests done as yet either.

Both Mom and I have blood tests we need done, and we tried to get to the hospital today before the cut-off time in the afternoon (3pm!), but well, Mom could not be ready on time (again). Not to say that I am at all fast these days, but in a pinch it is easier for me to pull my shit together and go at the last minute.

Maybe next week?

Mom's bestfriend Jessica is having her 60th Birthday celebration today, and their are "extra" relatives in town from New Brunswick whom I love, but really am not up to seeing right now. Especially feeling as weak as I do.

{...But I really do like these pics!}

Mood Indigo

2006-05-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday and this is my second blog today ( see "Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone - How Long Has This Been Going on?). Though my sleep has not been good the past few nights and I do have some pain today, all things considered, I have used this alone time to my advantage I think. But it will likey be somewhat of an issue later on, trying to get to sleep, as I am out of sleeping pills! The "Good News"? Mom still has beer left over from Christmas or some other celebration. (She doesn't drink at all; hasn't for years ...)

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I actually have a reader! Someone is actually reading these blogs, and not only has she promised to continue doing so, but she has kind words about my writing capabilities and good thoughts and wishes for me in general. It was good for me to read this today! She's a young mother on the exact opposite side of this great country, in B.C.

I feel a lttle spacey today ... WTF is wrong?!

Spoke to my sister on the telephone earlier and wished her a happy Mother's Day. She told me of going to our half-sister's place yesterday for a dinner that I was also supposed to attend. Our half-sister, Cora is aparently quite the cook, among other things, and though she had invited at least two other half-siblings of ours, all children of our less than monogamy-minded father, my full-sister was trhe only one who actually could make it. And so they ate a great meal, dessert included, alone together.

Ok. Honestly? I had mixed feelings about attending Cora's little dinner party and had only known about it for a week. I would have preferred more time to consider the whole thing. Cora gave me the details when I ran in to her at my lovely neice's high school play (our lovely niece!). The idea was to get all us half-siblings of Daddy Dearest together, to bond. A good concept, but like I said, I did need more time to consider the whole thing. I guess, bottom line, you cant foce people to bond ... It has to happen naturally. Yet, having said that, I know that giving a little push in that direction is not a bad thing either. Life is a fragile thing. We all could stand to strengthen our relationships.

I know Cora and have known her since at least my very early teens. But really, do I know her well? No, I do not. Am I afraid of getting close? Yes. Why? Becuase I am afraid of being rejected by someone else in my life. Sad but true. I imagine myself answering personal questions from Cora, and I see myself being exposed for vulnerability ...

Playin' Around (To Work It Out ...)

2006-05-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

It is extremelly difficult for me these days to feel a sense of motivation. When there are over-lapping illnesses in one's life it is gets really hard to see the forrest for the trees. It's tough to remember that you are suffering for those that have been a part of your life the longest time. Sometimes it takes someone else to remind you.

I finally got to the doctor the other day, and though it was only my second visit with this particular "family physician", I did feel a sense of caring that was not clearly aparent the first time 'round and I am thankful.

I was late for the early evening appointment. (Old habits diehard.) But the good doctor agreed to wait for me, his last patient for the day. In retrospect, I certainly begun preparing for the visit too late in the day. The lack of appontments in my daily life was showing bigtime. It has always taken a bit of time for me, when getting ready for stuff outside of the home. I lose track ... Jumbled thinking ... Lately things seem to have gotten worse. Luckily I only live a five minute's walk away from the clinic and booked it ....

WORST THINGS FIRST
Well, my worst fear that I would forget to mention something important in my list of symptoms, it happened! Or at least, I think the things I couldn't rememeber to tell the doctor might have been important symptoms ... Like how the body aches I have been having include a specific pain throbbing in my right arm ... or the bubbling sensation in my abdominal/stomach area ...

ON THE GOOD FOOT?
On the good side of things, I did remember to tell the doctor about the dark spots that I have had all my life(?!) on my feet and hands - on again, off-again. And he actually asked to see the one foot where the spots remained! Wow! Finally a doctor who looks at your body!

MY LEFT FOOT
I showed him my left knuckle where these spots used to be plentiful when I was younger also, emphasising that the dark knuckles (this time 'round) seems to be tied in with a pain, and this new illness. I also told him that the dark spots, whatever they are, seemed to go away when I lived in Ontario (Though I cannot exactly recall if they faded completely, or were away for the whole time I lived elsewhere). Also, I informed the doctor that I had seen a dermitologist here, who had given me some one-time-only cream for my foot, and he seemed to have noted that. The last thing I wanted was to have to go to all the doctors (not literally)I had already seen, just to have them come up blank again. This doctor semeed more interested in looking to avenues that had not been explored than he did in wasting time on retreads ... Re-examinations could come later, if/when necessary.

IN THE BLOOD?
Next step? Blood tests ...

I had also mentioned to the doctor that I had not had a complete physical in some time. When he suggested some blood tests, I agreed happily. Even, reluctantly, agreeing to some STD blood tests, emhasising that it had been a great deal of time since I had actually had sex .... This is when the doctor when into a spiel about not being interested in "my private sexual business" ... Was he uncomfortable with asking if I were gay (which he did NOT ask), was it just a routine he went through regulalry upon suggesting STD tests, or .... (a thought that had never occured until now)was the good doctor interested in me beyond the professional ...? Hmmmmm?

Most unlikely, I will be the first to admit!

"Give It Time (At Long Last Clarity)"

2006-05-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

It is time in my life to begin the process of un-doing, un-tying the knots that still can be un-tied. I really do not know how long this will take or what exactly it will lead me on to. I just know that it IS what has to be done now. As I can see, in a way, how far I have gone off-track, and as long as I can see this, I need to correct the problems, one by one. Hopefully, I will get a really good life as a result. Certainly, at worst, I shall get a better life than the one I have been leading in recent years.

"Tell Me Why"

2006-05-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

Well, the Big 4-0 is fast approaching and still I have little to show for the time spent and the experiences, the love and the bane. Things sure are not how I would have thought they might be at this phase in the game. And still that is an understament!

Okay. So I am living my life afraid to take a step? What has happened to me? Where did the ME in all of this go? And why don't I know how to re-start my life? What the fuck is all of this crap about? After all this freaking time ... ???!!! OMFG!!!!

Why have I not had people who were there for me, outside of my mother and immediate family, to help me out of this? I can't belive I have been so stagnant for six years now ...Without a friend, a lover, a career, really. Why did my first cousin and former bestfriend dessert me so? (Ok, so I cut HIM off, but it was because he wasn't my idea of a friend at all when I really thought about it and looked at the real limitations in his version of friendship ...) I do not believe in blaming others for my own actions, but I do know that I was actually betrayed by my so-called bestfriend. How can someone who you have been close to for all of your life see you in a profoundly bad situation and refuse to help you? How cold does someone have to be to let a so-called loved one sit in a sea of shit? Even if it is a sea of shit that you made yourself, does a true friend just sit by and watch you sink deeper and deeper? I have come to ask various versions of this question, phrased one way or another over time, and the one answer I coninually return to: A FRIEND DOES NOT ABANDON YOU. A FRIEND WILL NOT LEAVE YOU TO DIE BY YOUR OWN DEVICES ... HELL, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

A friend is concerned about you and your suffering. A true friend does not want to teach you a lesson, at least not when the stakes are obviously so high. A real friend does not take the view: "I don't want to get invloved ..."

BACKSTORY
My cousin wanted to be just like me when we were kids. It was apparently something to aspire to in those early years; not something to turn away from, and leave to self-destruct. He copied my talk, my interests (yes!), and everything I wanted from "Santa" would surely end up as his own gifts, whether or not I recieved them mysself. That was the pattern. Ohmygot! we would talk on the phone for hours, Country Mouse and City Mouse (me), everyday, well into our teens. Until I moved away to the Big City.

Of course he followed me there. First in visits, then moving his entire life there. Eventually, leaving me behind, literally, and stealing parts of my life over time, sucking up all the info I had eagerly given him about the right people to know and the proper places to go: the way to live in the Big City. I can just see him now in my mind's eye, holding court at my favourite King Street West restaurant. (When we were still talking long distance, he had implied he was dining there or thinking of doing so. Ofcourse.)Or at the bars, flirting with the men I used to flirt with. Who knows? Maybe he is now bestfriends with my other so-called bestfriends who were quick to accompany me to my work-related gala events, yet failing to have even a spot on their floor for me when I ultimately needed one to lay my head ...

Did my own cousin and former lifelong pal use me? Was expecting him to at least give me a temporary place to stay when my downward spiral had begun expecting to much of a friend? Is reciprocation in friendship a no-brainer? Or something that should not be expected?

I just don't know anymore ... Well, actually ...I do know that at my core I still believe that though I did do nice things for people from the kindness of my heart, not anticipating my worst life's circumstances and the need for their help later on ... after a time, and certain bond, I think people should help others they care about. AND NOT FIND WORDS OR REASONS TO LEAVE THEIR FRIENDS FOR DEAD. That is what I belive about friendship.

What a fool believes!

"There Is No Time" (Dream Makers)

2006-05-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't blogged in awhile ... (Yeah, like how many blogs start off with those words?) It's so hard to stay organized about blogging when so many other things are going on in one's mind of thoughts. When trying to get your life back together, blogging to the unknown reader does not maintain priority. As it is, I have only received a few COMMENTS on these blogs, and most of those just obvious self-promotion hotlinks for various commercial sites. So why should I think keeping up-to-date here is vital?

Mostly, I have been concerned with my health in recent months. Things have been changing, but more noticablly so this year. I have been in pain, experiencing aches that I don't recall every haing before, and that has been a frightening ordeal. Especially being here in The Middle Of Nowhere, feeling isolated and friendless. Sometimes I think that I am dying rapdly. Other times I am sure of just which Big Illnesses are taking over my body. And then I am absolutely fucking terrified.

Being a black man with a little extra padding in my middle section, of late, it doesn't take a genuis to realize I am in an at-risk group for certain diseases. Hell, when I think of it, it was only a couple of years ago when I first became and was diagnosed as anemic. (I have been taking dreaded iron pills ever since.) And Cronig Fatigue Syndrome. That's something I have been told I have a long time ago in the Big City, but then told by later doctors that I don't have, or rather that illness is still not recognized by many physicians. They do not comment on it when I inform them that I had the diagnosis!

So what is real, what is not?! What's happening to my body? Will I be able to get stronger? The way I have been feeling these past few months makes me wonder, and of course I am concerned if I will ever be healthy enough to leave town and get back to a comparatively normal life. Have I truly squandered my youth and now have nothing to look forward to but declining health, profound lonliness and something that is a pale image of an actual life?!

There is no down time for dream-makers. Oh, sweet time is of the essence!

THE FAMILY TREE

2005-06-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

"Let the ancient serve the present, let the foreign serve the national; by developing that which has been accomplished, one creates something that is new."
Mao Zedong

Haven't been on in awhile, I know. Back at Mom's these past few days and there really hasn't been much time for getting on here and writing. OK- let's see, what's up?

Well, I had planned on coming here for two days, tops. My neice was here when I arrived late Sunday night. She wasn't going to school the next day, so we all had a little time together.

She and Mom went to the mall the next day. Mom had promised to buy her a new pair of sneakers. Babygirl went home from there, aparently after some big blow-up/scene in public, rumour has it.

Oh, the drama!

A Tisket, A Tasket

2005-05-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmmm

I have been so alone for the past ten years, maybe even beyond. Will there be a reward, something I derive from this down time?

"Won't someone help me find my basket, and make me happy again ..." (A Tisket, A Tasket)

Could B Loved

2005-04-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

The pain of everyday life is the very thing holding me back from all that I long 4. Funny thing life ...mostly it is through the hurts and wounds provided by time that we even begin to see how things might make sense. Never thought I'd be back in the small town and living without friends, as it has turned out, but life is life ... and that b what I done got.

Every day now is a day that I long for the Big City and a life at least slightly resembling that which it is now. It feels like I am being punished for something. Why is that? Have my past actions, mistakes and on-purpose evils resulted in this big abyss that lays before me?

Can I right the wrong, whatever it may be, and recoup a little something? Am I stuck here in this puddle of shit and sorrow?